Posted: Monday, May 25, 2009 8:01 pm
By: Argus Hamilton
HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The U.S. military was reported to be burning Bibles in Afghanistan Tuesday. They were sent to a soldier to help convert the population to Christianity, but that violates U.S. military rules. We’re not there to convert them, we’re there to kill them.
NBC’s Law and Order was renewed for a twentieth season Monday. It tied a record held by Gunsmoke. If the White House spent less time reading editorial pages and more time reading the entertainment section, they’d realize Americans love Guantanamo.
The Preakness drew huge ratings Saturday featuring filly Rachel Alexandra and the gelding Mine That Bird. Neither the Kentucky Derby winner nor the Preakness winner can make a dollar in stud fees. The crackdown on Craigslist has gone too far.
Jaguar got rave reviews from Car and Driver magazine with its new five-hundred-horsepower luxury car. The automaker was sold last year to a car company in India. There’s a big demand in India for cars that can outrun nuclear missiles from Pakistan.
New York Jet Mark Sanchez posed in a bathing suit layout for GQ magazine. He succeeded Matt Leinart at USC, who majored in ballroom dancing. USC never lets the quarterbacks lead the calisthenics because by the third minute the whole team is dancing the Charleston.
Michael Jackson canceled his London comeback tour Wednesday. Tickets weren’t selling. Because of Michael Jackson’s reputation the question of when to schedule his comeback tour will always be like Lincoln assassination jokes, it’s still too soon.
Steven Spielberg was sued by Martin Luther King III and his sister Bernice King for buying the rights to their father’s story from their brother and not from them. It’s so inspiring. Someday kids will have to memorize Bernice King’s I Have a Lawyer speech.
President Obama was stopped by the Senate Wednesday from transferring Guantanamo detainees to U.S. soil. He wants to let al-Qaeda set up shop in U.S. prisons. Americans polled said that Barack Obama is a terrorist sympathizer but they still like him personally.
President Obama was handed a defeat on the Guantanamo prison Wednesday when the Senate voted to keep it open indefinitely. No one will obey him. Nancy Pelosi won’t apologize to the CIA, Harry Reid won’t release money to close Guantanamo, and the only time his new dog Bo will sit quietly and listen is during the Rush Limbaugh Show.
Dick Cheney slammed President Obama in a speech Thursday to the American Enterprise Institute for not keeping America safe. The vice president is performing a vital role. Without Lex Luthor, Superman has nothing to do but walk peple safely across the street.
Bill Clinton accepted the appointment in New York Wednesday to serve as the U.N. special envoy to Haiti. He just loves to embark upon humanitarian missions. He’ll be bringing discounted AIDS drugs to the island nation and that’s just in his dop kit.
Michael Vick was released to house arrest in Virginia Wednesday. He’s going to work forty hours a week for a construction company. He joined a Mexican gang in prison and now he’s returning to Virginia to take construction jobs from black people.
Michigan Governor Jennifer Granholm was interviewed Tuesday for the Supreme Court vacancy. First Barack Obama fired the CEO of GM, then he bought Chrysler, and now he wants to remove the governor of Michigan. This is what happens when a young mother refuses to buy her son a complete set of Hot Wheels cars for Christmas, and then he grows up to be president.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Published in The Messenger 5.25.09