Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Michael Vick went back to Virginia last week where he’ll serve home detention to finish his prison term for arranging dogfights. There was a huge crowd at his house when he arrived. President Obama and Dick Cheney were going at it in the chicken coop.
The Dallas Cowboys unveiled their new stadium’s Diamond Vision video screens on Friday. Each screen is seven stories high and fifty yards wide. The Cowboys will end up being the first NFL franchise whose team doctor has also worked on Joan Rivers.
Stormy Daniels announced Thursday she’s formed an exploratory committee to run for the U.S. Senate in Louisiana. The news rocked the adult movie world. She’s the first porno movie star to run for the U.S. Senate, a lateral move if there ever was one.
John Hinckley asked a judge for a driver’s license that he can use during his hospital furloughs. He shot President Reagan and Press Secretary James Brady. If he’s caught driving without a license he could get locked up for life under the Three Strikes law.
The Pentagon said one out of seven detainees released from Guantanamo returns to terrorism. Six out of seven reform. Those Terrorist Anonymous meetings began to work once we stopped making them say the Lord’s Prayer at the end of every meeting.
President Obama and Dick Cheney squared off in dueling speeches Thursday about what to do with terrorists in custody. The jury’s out on which method polls better. Dick Cheney wants to keep them in Guantanamo where they can be beaten to death while Barack Obama wants to transfer them to America where they can be taxed to death.
The Senate Finance Committee proposed a huge excise tax increase on liquor and wine and beer Friday. Snack food is next. They won’t be happy until there’s a meter on the side of your head so they can charge you five dollars for every impure thought.
The FBI busted a terror plot in Manhattan to blow up synagogues and shoot down planes Thursday after FBI agents sold the suspects fake explosives and fake missiles. The terrorists had no idea the weapons were worthless garbage. Moody’s had rated them AAA.
Joint Chiefs Chairman Mike Mullen told the Senate Thursday that Afghanistan’s poppy crop is financing the Taliban. It stirred debate. Republicans were quick to point out that if we were to deregulate the domestic heroin industry we could bring those jobs back home.
Congress voted Thursday not to pursue House Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s charges the CIA lied to her on torture. She’s third in line for the presidency. Every Easter when the president is resurrected, she and Joe Biden are always a little disappointed.
Arnold Schwarzenegger lost all his referendums last week trying to raise taxes in California. His movie career is over and his approval rating has tanked. If he was any less popular Mel Brooks’s next musical would be Springtime for Schwarzenegger.
New York Mets officials called a plumber during a game at Citi Field last week after a woman got her hand stuck in a toilet trying to retrieve a lost gold tooth. It ended up being a win-win. The woman got her hand back and Citibank told the Treasury Department they want to take the stress test again now that they have gold reserves.
The White House proposed fuel standards for cars made in America that will make them a ton lighter when they are built in seven years. Every five hundred pounds of reduced car weight results in an extra eight hundred highway deaths a year. Federal mileage standards have killed so many Americans they have been put on the no-fly list.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 5.26.09

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