Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how’s everybody?
North Korea conducted more missile tests Tuesday after a busy weekend detonating nuclear bombs underground and firing short-range missiles. They fired six missiles in two days. Not everyone takes bird attacks on their air liners lying down like we do.
North Korean leader Kim Jong Il’s missile launches and atomic bomb test Monday set off world wide alarm. There was no advance announcement at all. North Korea is such a secret society, not even the Bushes or the Kerrys could get into it in college.
The White House condemned North Korea’s missile tests Tuesday. Our options are limited. We could heat up the atmosphere high enough to melt North Korean missiles before they could land, but that would mean building automobiles Americans want to buy.
Nevada Governor Jim Gibbons snubbed President Obama in Las Vegas Tuesday. It’s because he demonized businesses that held conventions in Las Vegas. Just because the president’s happily married doesn’t mean he has to deprive everyone else of a week off.
O.J. Simpson appealed his Nevada conviction Tuesday saying he did not get a fair trial because his jury wasn’t diverse. It was just bad luck. You’d think if you had a jury of twelve people in Nevada you’d get at least two murderers and an armed robber.
General Custer comes back to life in the movie hit Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian. He died protecting gold miners poaching in Sioux territory. This is what was known as a compelling American story when only white males could vote.
President Obama named Sonia Sotomayor to the Supreme Court Tuesday. He hailed her life experience. It could inspire college kids to go home and kill at least one of their parents so they’ll have a compelling personal story when they hit the job market.
California’s Supreme Court upheld the same-sex marriage ban Tuesday. This won’t affect gay couples who married before the ban.There are eighteen thousand gay couples who must stay married while everybody else sleeps around because it’s the law.
Jay Leno will welcome his replacement host Conan O’Brien as guest on his final Tonight Show Friday. It’s called continuity of political comedy. We’re one of the few countries in the world that can pull off a transition like this without blood shed.
John Daly will return to the PGA Tour next week in Memphis after his six-month suspension ended. His game is sharp. He’s been playing in Europe and in Asia, and he had an excellent showing last week in Thailand where he finished second at Chug-a-Lug.
Red Bull was banned in Germany Monday after trace amounts of cocaine were found in it. It makes no sense. You’d think the only country in the world with no speed limit in the left lane wouldn’t object to a little cocaine in the energy drinks.
President Obama cited Judge Sotomayor for her role in the baseball strike. She saved free agency. If not for her ruling, Barack Obama would have to confiscate all that money from the owners instead of the players in order to pay for health care.
Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor was quoted on Tuesday saying that Latina women are wiser than white males. How wise she is. If only one of the Founding Fathers had had ovaries, the Second Amendment might have been worded much more clearly.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store inHollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 5.28.09

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