Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Prince Harry got a joyful reception in New York Friday on his first diplomatic trip to America. He won’t be allowed out at night. Prince Harry is being watched like a seal hunter in a Sierra Club documentary and under the sames rules, no clubbing.
Britain’s Got Talent singing discovery Susan Boyle was caught on tape swearing at reporters outside a London hotel Friday. She used every curse word in the book. It was Hip-Hop Night on the talent show and she was simply warming up on the sidewalk.
Fairfax High School in Hollywood elected an openly gay boy named Sergio Garcia as its prom queen Friday. There’s more. He was elected queen of the prom and then the entire school was charged with a hate crime for using the word queen in a gay context.
Archie proposed to Veronica instead of Betty in the comic book’s six-hundredth issue Friday, ending Archie’s sixty-seven year triangle with Betty and Veronica at Riverdale High. He had to choose eventually. Not every all-white high school is Mormon.
Beatles producer Phil Spector got a nineteen-year sentence Friday for the shooting death of Lana Clarkson. His options are twofold now. He can appeal the verdict, or he can wait a month for Governor Schwarzenegger to sell all the prisons to a condo developer.
The White House denied the authenticity of photos released Friday purported to be of U.S. soldiers raping Iraqi prisoners at Abu Ghraib. The Americans were all wearing different uniforms. Whenever you see a policeman, a construction worker, a fireman and a Indian chief in one picture, chances are it was taken in a West Hollywood disco.
The NAACP demanded Monday that NASCAR racetracks stop allowing patrons to wave Confederate flags during the auto races. How are they supposed to stop allowing it? General Grant’s dead and he’s the only one who had any luck at this sort of thing.
The Justice Department dropped charges against the Black Panthers Thursday for voter intimidation in November. Forty years ago they used to blow up banks. Today that background makes them the most experienced employees in the Treasury Department.
Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor was credited with saving baseball’s free-agency system fifteen years ago when she ruled on a player-owner dispute during the strike. She ruled against the owners and for the players, making them billions. With one bang of the gavel she turned four hundred baseball players into Republican donors.
George W. Bush refused to criticize President Obama in a speech on Thursday. He said he didn’t like it when he was criticized by a former president when he was in office. Twice he stormed out of Thanksgiving dinner and had a burger at McDonald’s.
General Motors was to declare bankruptcy at GM’s headquarters in Lower Manhattan today. The government will put another thirty billion dollars into the company, but that still may not be enough. Ground Zero is no longer the biggest bottomless pit in Lower Manhattan.
President Obama announced Friday he will name a czar to oversee cyber-security in America. It points to the generational divide. He asked in his State of the Union address for Congress to take action against hackers and they raised the cigarette taxes.
President Obama said Thursday that he wants Israel to halt all construction in existing West Bank settlements. It makes sense to him. If he’s ever going to get home prices to rebound, he’s got to halt all new construction until the supply equals demand.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 6.1.09

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