Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Cuba and the U.S. began talks on ending the trade embargo Monday. Havana streets are jammed with U.S. cars made in the Fifties. Americans are eager to trade with Cuba because soon it will be the only place you can buy an American car with any guts.
Susan Boyle checked into a mental hospital in London Sunday to rest a few days before she comes to the U.S. Her mental health is fine. She’s either getting plastic surgery, drying out or spending time with the insane to get acclimated to Los Angeles.
Titanic’s last survivor Millvina Dean died at age ninety- seven Saturday. She was an infant on the doomed ship. Lawyers for the cruise line asked a judge to dismiss all remaining lawsuits on the grounds that we now know they all would have died anyway.
Romanian teen tennis star Simona Halep announced Monday she’s going to have breast reduction surgery in the fall. Her male fans are petitioning her to reconsider, but there’s plenty of time. When you’re seventeen you’ve got a good twenty years before they fall.
California reported unemployment hit twelve percent Friday as home foreclosure rates rose. It’s grim. College grads have begun asking their grandparents to tell them once again their tired old stories about the Great Depression, for survival tips.
The Chicago Cubs neared a sale to investor Tom Ricketts Monday on the centennial of their last title. Everyone says if Lou Piniella wins a World Series the town will name a lake after him. Naming something after Michigan just hurts the property values.
North Korea prepared an ICBM missile launch on Monday. The White House reacted calmly. The administration said a missile that size could hit Sarah Palin’s home at sixty-one degrees North latitude and one hundred forty-nine degrees West longitude.
President Obama took his wife to a Broadway show in New York Saturday. It took an hour to screen the audience and actors before the curtain could go up. President Obama might want to be like Lincoln but the Secret Service isn’t crazy about the idea.
The White House announced the U.S. takeover of General Motors Monday. The U.S. will own sixty percent, Canada twelve percent, the union eighteen percent, and bondholders ten percent. That still gives Treasury Secretary Max Bialystock another thirty percent to sell investors.
President Obama said Monday the U.S. won’t be involved in GM operations. He swore he doesn’t want to run a car company. The next day the dashboard warning light in my Buick came on telling me to check the engine and turn off Rush Limbaugh or else.
Ralph Nader denounced the GM takeover Monday, saying it wipes out all current product liability lawsuits over defective cars. It throws personal injury attorneys out of work. When God gives John Edwards a bad year, it lasts the whole twelve months.
Dick Cheney astonished conservatives Monday by telling Fox News he was personally in favor of gay marriage. No wonder the liberation of Iraq has been virtually impossible. Strict Muslims are never going to agree to gay marriage, let alone parades.
Guantanamo terror prisoners received satellite televisions Monday that get the Al-Jazeera network. The detainees also get their own cells, mail, books, prayer time, three hot meals and an exercise period. Only the United Autoworkers got a better deal.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 6.3.09

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