Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how’s everybody?
North Korea’s Kim Jong Il revealed Tuesday his hard-partying youngest son Kim Jong Un will succeed him on death. It could be the end of North Korea. Handing off national leadership to the son who drinks the most nearly destroyed the United States.
General Motors sold its Hummer division to a plastics manufacturer in China on Tuesday. It makes sense for China to own Hummer. For years they’ve been looking for a smaller, lighter, more fuel-efficient tank to run over their democracy protesters.
L.A. Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa was reported Monday to be having an extramarital affair with a second female news anchor. He came close to being a national figure. Had Hillary Clinton been elected president he would have been Bill Clinton’s stunt double.
The Los Angeles Lakers host game one of the NBA Finals today at the Staples Center. The city has really changed since its last NBA title. All the neighborhoods which used to riot when the Lakers won would only riot today if Sotomayor loses.
Sonia Sotomayor met with Senate Republicans Tuesday. They said she’s a delight but they don’t know if they’ll vote for her. They don’t have the richness of her experience as a wise Latina woman so they make decisions by examining all the evidence.
Susan Boyle was taken to a London asylum crying for her pet cat after she lost Britain’s Got Talent Saturday. No wonder the show is so popular. Putting amateurs on television is just a more sophisticated way of frying ants with a magnifying glass.
Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner was forced to rent his New York suburban home Monday after he was unable to sell it for more than he owed on it. It could have bankrupted him. Thank God at the last minute the Chinese agreed to buy the guest house.
Dick Cheney backed gay marriage Tuesday, saying that Americans ought to be free to enter into any kind of union they want. He’s nothing if not consistent. For years he’s believed that Americans should be free to enter into any country they want.
President Obama speaks in Cairo today on U.S.-Muslim relations over Arab TV. He plans to discuss his Muslim roots. One day Barack Obama will have to watch the tape of this speech the way Bill Buckner watches that ground ball rolling through his legs.
President Obama flew to Saudi Arabia Wednesday to discuss energy. He’s the only automaker who doesn’t mind high oil prices. They will help him sell Chevy Volts, and besides, GM’s fast cars always wind up with Confederate decals on the back windows.
The U.S. government mistakenly released the location of all U.S. nuclear sites and now everyone knows where we keep our uranium. This only makes global unemployment a lot worse. Spies have just been added to the list of people whose jobs are obsolete.
The National Hurricane Center predicted Monday a dozen hurricanes will hit the Gulf and Atlantic coasts this season. It won’t stop the migration. In New York you can have a multi-million-dollar house and pay a fortune in taxes, and in Florida you can have a multi-million-dollar house and get a fortune in hurricane rebuilding money.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 6.4.09HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how’s everybody?
North Korea’s Kim Jong Il revealed Tuesday his hard-partying youngest son Kim Jong Un will succeed him on death. It could be the end of North Korea. Handing off national leadership to the son who drinks the most nearly destroyed the United States.
General Motors sold its Hummer division to a plastics manufacturer in China on Tuesday. It makes sense for China to own Hummer. For years they’ve been looking for a smaller, lighter, more fuel-efficient tank to run over their democracy protesters.
L.A. Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa was reported Monday to be having an extramarital affair with a second female news anchor. He came close to being a national figure. Had Hillary Clinton been elected president he would have been Bill Clinton’s stunt double.
The Los Angeles Lakers host game one of the NBA Finals today at the Staples Center. The city has really changed since its last NBA title. All the neighborhoods which used to riot when the Lakers won would only riot today if Sotomayor loses.
Sonia Sotomayor met with Senate Republicans Tuesday. They said she’s a delight but they don’t know if they’ll vote for her. They don’t have the richness of her experience as a wise Latina woman so they make decisions by examining all the evidence.
Susan Boyle was taken to a London asylum crying for her pet cat after she lost Britain’s Got Talent Saturday. No wonder the show is so popular. Putting amateurs on television is just a more sophisticated way of frying ants with a magnifying glass.
Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner was forced to rent his New York suburban home Monday after he was unable to sell it for more than he owed on it. It could have bankrupted him. Thank God at the last minute the Chinese agreed to buy the guest house.
Dick Cheney backed gay marriage Tuesday, saying that Americans ought to be free to enter into any kind of union they want. He’s nothing if not consistent. For years he’s believed that Americans should be free to enter into any country they want.
President Obama speaks in Cairo today on U.S.-Muslim relations over Arab TV. He plans to discuss his Muslim roots. One day Barack Obama will have to watch the tape of this speech the way Bill Buckner watches that ground ball rolling through his legs.
President Obama flew to Saudi Arabia Wednesday to discuss energy. He’s the only automaker who doesn’t mind high oil prices. They will help him sell Chevy Volts, and besides, GM’s fast cars always wind up with Confederate decals on the back windows.
The U.S. government mistakenly released the location of all U.S. nuclear sites and now everyone knows where we keep our uranium. This only makes global unemployment a lot worse. Spies have just been added to the list of people whose jobs are obsolete.
The National Hurricane Center predicted Monday a dozen hurricanes will hit the Gulf and Atlantic coasts this season. It won’t stop the migration. In New York you can have a multi-million-dollar house and pay a fortune in taxes, and in Florida you can have a multi-million-dollar house and get a fortune in hurricane rebuilding money.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 6.4.09

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