Argus Hamilton 6.8.09

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
President Obama won praise from Arab newspapers Thursday for his speech to the Muslim world from Cairo. However, his promises were received with great skepticism from the Arab people. He should have known this might happen when he became a car salesman.
King Abdullah draped a giant gold chain around President Obama’s neck Thursday attached to a diamond-studded platinum medal. It’s the Saudi Order of Merit. Under U.S. gift rules the president can’t keep it or wear it until he forms his own rap label.
President Obama met with Germany’s Chancellor Angela Merkel Friday and tried to persuade her to send German troops to Afghanistan. Is he out of his mind? Only the Germans could fight al-Qaeda and end up being the defendants in a war crimes trial.
President Obama infuriated Israelis Thursday by demanding Israel withdraw from the West Bank. It’s not in his hands. Israel will always have the full and unwavering support of the American people as long as gasoline stays under $4 a gallon.
President Obama refused Nicolas Sarkozy’s dinner invitation in Paris Friday. In one week he leaked that Judge Sotomayor may be pro-life and he insulted the French. He bet Rahm Emanuel a steak dinner he could get Rush Limbaugh on his side by Tuesday.
President Obama apologized for Western colonialism in his speech to the Muslim world. He’ll come around. If Obama wants to provide free health care for everyone in America he’s going to have to conquer an African nation and steal all its diamonds.
The White House named a Pay Czar to supervise executive pay in bailed-out Wall Street firms. Obama has now named 16 czars. He said he wanted to hear all views but it can be dangerous to place all those czars and Bolsheviks in one building.
Al Gore considered going to North Korea Friday to negotiate the release of two female American journalists who entered that country illegally. Of course they’re spies. No one would sneak across the border into North Korea for a better way of life.
North Korea was shown in satellite photos Friday preparing to launch a missile that could reach Hawaii. This is our chance. If history teaches us anything, it is that nothing will get America out of a depression like a sneak attack on Pearl Harbor.
The FAA said Friday only a third of U.S. airports are enforcing new FAA rules to prevent all those birds from approaching airliners. It’s a union problem. A lot of pilots simply refuse to wear a Sylvester the Cat costume during takeoffs and landings.
Italy’s Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi was in another sex scandal Friday when photos surfaced of topless young women who were sunbathing at his vacation villa. Two things happened when the astronauts fixed the Hubble telescope last month. NASA got everything they wanted in the budget, and politicians had to take their act indoors.
Queen Elizabeth bestowed a knighthood upon L.A. police chief Bill Bratton Friday for aiding Britain in counter-terrorism. He’s thrilled. Los Angeles has the only big city police force in America that isn’t Irish, so he was free to accept an award from England without having to worry about a friendly fire incident after he got home.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 6.8.09

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