Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Tiger Woods sank a one-handed chip shot, then birdied the last two holes to win the Memorial Sunday. He also hit each fairway. If President Obama wants to fix the economy he should call up Tiger Woods’ knee surgeon and appoint him Treasury Secretary.
President Obama flew his wife Michelle to Paris for a dinner date on his final night in France. It’s a perk of public life. The president’s date cost taxpayers $100,000, which Eliot Spitzer said is about right for four hours.
Judge Sonia Sotomayor fractured her ankle at the airport Monday but she went to the White House before getting it treated. It wasn’t necessary. You don’t need the president’s OK for a doctor’s appointment until the health care bill actually passes.
Scotland’s Susan Boyle signed with Simon Cowell’s record label Friday and with U-2’s manager. Never get famous. A month ago she was a happy member of the church choir and today she kicks her cat whenever Alex Rodriguez doesn’t call the next morning.
Italy’s Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi denied wrongdoing after photos surfaced of five young women at his seaside villa Friday. They were sunbathing nude. It drew outraged criticism in Italy from the leaders of the opposition- — his wife and the pope.
David Carradine hanged himself in an auto-erotic sex act and died accidentally Thursday. He died in a state of ecstasy. If you can achieve sexual bliss with a closet hook and a rope, how much money are men wasting every year on diamonds and chocolates?
The NTSB revealed Monday that recently crashed airliners were flown by pilots who’d flunked flying and emergency response tests. It’s disturbing. It turns out when Sully Sullenberger landed safely on the Hudson River he was aiming for the Mississippi.
President Obama used a food taster in Paris on Saturday to avoid poisoning. He actually brought a food taster to Paris with him. He told the Chrysler bondholder he would take him to dinner, but he didn’t tell him it would just be more of the same.
Saudi King Abdullah urged President Obama to order Israel to withdraw from the West Bank. What an outrage. Last week the Saudi king draped a thick gold chain around Obama’s neck and now he’s threatening to sell him down river if he doesn’t do as he’s told.
Sarah Palin was cleared Monday of all 14 campaign ethics charges against her in the presidential campaign, a month after Sen. Ted Stevens’ conviction was thrown out. What a disappointment. When Alaska won the contract to be the farm team for Illinois politics, people hoped there would be some real stars coming out of there.
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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 6.10.09

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