Argus Hamilton 6.12.09

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Will Ferrell had the first box-office bomb of his career on Friday when Land of the Lost came out. The title killed it. People today aren’t about to pay $10 to watch something they can see for free when they open up their financial statements.
Chrysler dealerships closed after Tuesday’s bankruptcy, leaving Chrysler owners wondering about warranty service. They had complete confidence in the company when they purchased the cars. They didn’t recognize Robert E. Lee’s picture on the warranty.
The White House sent FBI agents to Afghanistan to read Taliban prisoners their Miranda rights. it’s a great plan. We bring them to Los Angeles and try them in the legal system that freed O.J. Simpson, then wait for them to steal their memorabilia back.
Newsweek’s editor Evan Thomas was ripped on talk radio Monday after he said on a Sunday news show that President Obama is like God. Republicans are furious. The Book of Genesis states unequivocally that God appeared to Moses in the form of a Bush.
President Obama lectured Wisconsin on health care on Thursday. He’s telling the banks what kind of loans to make, he’s telling automakers what kind of cars to build and now he’s telling doctors what kind of treatments work best. Congress could be forced to join the Screen Extras Guild if they don’t start getting more speaking parts.
US Airways Capt. Sully Sullenberger testified to the NTSB Monday about his safe landing on the Hudson River. He showed such integrity. He could have bailed out but he didn’t want to spend the rest of his life under the Treasury Department salary cap.
The White House proposed rules to limit salaries and bonuses for executives in bailed out companies Wednesday. It seems un-American. It’s no thrill for immigrants sailing into New York Harbor to get their first glimpse of the Statue of Limitations.
Joe Biden made another gaffe Tuesday, stating that a new tunnel being dug under the Hudson River will accommodate cars when it’s just for train traffic. He’s Irish on both sides of his family. His father’s a Biden and his mother was a Gaffaday.
The Gallup Poll said Tuesday more Americans feel that Rush Limbaugh speaks for the Republicans. He’s a conservative white male. It’s such a vanishing American that in a year every man with an Engish family name will qualify for a casino license.
Iran’s President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad accused his opponent in today’s election of using Hitler-like propaganda against him. The Holocaust denier is accusing his opponent of Hitler-like tactics. Today’s election could come down to who has the best mustache.
Tiger Woods played a practice round at Beth Page Golf Club in New York Tuesday but he had to quit early. It’s due to New York’s new millionaire tax. Every minute he works in New York state costs him more money than he’d make if he wins the tournament.
Fenway Park in Boston was infiltrated by a Yankees fan at a rock concert in May who planted Yankee Stadium infield grass seeds in the Red Sox infield during the concert and then watered it. You can’t fault his logic. He thinks there’ll be something magical about New York grass this summer on the 40th anniversary of Woodstock.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.

Published in The Messenger 6.12.09

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