By: Argus Hamilton
HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Dick Cheney was caught by television cameras sound asleep while he was sitting at Wednesday’s cabinet meeting at the White House. Nobody missed it. Iranian intelligence agents saw Dick Cheney asleep and moved the weapons of mass destruction back into Iraq.
The New York Giants played the Miami Dolphins Sunday in London under heavy security. Surveillance cameras with face recognition software kept criminals from entering the stadium. The first club to field a team was declared the winner.
The Weather Channel’s satellite photos Tuesday showed fires extending from Santa Barbara to San Diego. Conditions were ripe for wildfires. When those For Sale signs have been standing out on the front lawn longer than six months they’re like kindling.
Forbes upgraded Sands Hotel owner Sheldon Adelson on its Most Wealthy list. He’s made $6 million an hour since his casino in China opened last month. No one wants to say it’s laundering a lot of money but you can see the suds from the Space Station.
The White House announced Thursday it will place harsh sanctions on Iran. This is a nasty trap. President Bush wants to get rid of that evil nut before he blows up the entire planet but that would make Nancy Pelosi next in line for the presidency.
Osama bin Laden admitted making mistakes in a taped message to Iraq Monday and he apologized for blowing up Iraqi citizens. It’s embarrassing. Osama only quit drinking last year and already he’s ahead of President Bush on working his amends list.
Pat Robertson last week warned the U.S. of God’s wrath if we divide Jerusalem. Now we know the secret of his trick. All he needs is a five-day forecast for the Santa Ana winds and he can take credit for the destruction of California once a year.
San Diego’s Qualcomm Stadium housed brushfire evacuees Wednesday and drew rave reviews for its upscale amenities. The people of New Orleans deserve an explanation. The California National Guard were away in Iraq so integration is pretty much on hold.
Southern California sheriffs went on alert Monday when fires spread from Santa Barbara to Rancho Santa Fe. The looting was shameless. Many of the residents sold their insurance stocks just before the wildfires began and they made off like bandits.
Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger got high marks Friday for his leadership during the fire. Of course he doesn’t care about that. However, one review in Variety said his eyes are starting to look a little crinkly and now that’s all he talks about.
President Bush spent all day Thursday in Southern California touring the state with disaster officials and posing for television cameras amid the fire damage. He was pandering to his conservative base. Now he wants credit for destroying California.
Valerie Plame said Tuesday she was a CIA spy when the White House outed her and ended her career, after her husband found out that Saddam Hussein had no nuclear material as the White House claimed and wrote about it in the New York Times. She’s a beautiful blonde and her spy career is over. Even the James Bond movies won’t hire her.
China held a worldwide environmental conference Wednesday to come up with ways to clean up Beijing’s air for next year’s Olympic Summer Games. They’re worried that track and field performances will be affected by all the air pollution. Nothing is more embarrassing for the host country than when a javelin gets stuck in the smog.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org. Published in The Messenger 10.29.07