Argus Hamilton 6.15.09

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Dallas Cowboy legend Troy Aikman received a degree in sociology at UCLA Friday in Westwood. He owns a huge car dealership in Texas and he’s a Republican. The government offered him retraining money if he’d enter one of the busybody professions.
George H.W. Bush parachuted from a plane on his 85th birthday Friday. He floated to earth with a guy attached to his back. After what happened to David Carradine, the Secret Service insisted that all risky behavior with ropes be monitored.
David Letterman apologized for joking that Sarah Palin’s daughter had gotten knocked up by Alex Rodriguez. He said he was going after the 18-year-old daughter, not the 14-year-old daughter. It’s an important distinction to his Northern viewers.
Cher’s daughter Chastity started hormone therapy Friday before she has her sex change operation. She faces a real test of her sexual identity. Now that she has a prescription for testosterone she’s receiving candy and flowers from Alex Rodriguez.
President Obama said Friday he’ll sign a bill giving the FDA power to regulate tobacco as a drug. It’s pointless to try to regulate tobacco. Cigarettes can only be smoked safely on the Truman Balcony when your wife and children are too busy to notice.
The White House admitted Friday President Obama was still struggling daily with his nicotine addiction. He may have more in common with the British than he thinks. One day they may go down in history as the two people who burned down the White House.
New York announced plans Friday to capture and gas two thousand Canadian geese near airports. It’ll occur during molting season when they can’t fly. The residue from the gas may explain why you get such a good night’s sleep on a goose down pillow.
The United Nations Security Council voted unanimously Friday to sanction North Korea over nuclear testing. Years of endless negotiations with Kim Jong Il have taught us one thing. Never trust a leader who put ending the world on his bucket list.
General Motors announced Friday they’re deeply cutting sponsorships for NASCAR racing. The administration obviously thinks it’s politically incorrect to glorify cars with big powerful engines. It could only be worse if the drivers were wearing fur.
Iran enjoyed a massive voter turnout nationwide for its presidential elections Friday. Ten thousand overseas votes were cast at polling booths in Beverly Hills. The 11-hour time difference always gives the Shah an early ten thousand vote lead.
The Oklahoma Sooners were voted the top college football program in history by an ESPN rating panel. Football is a religion in the Southwest. Oklahoma is the only place where folks have tailgate parties in the parking lot before church every Sunday.
Guantanamo detainees were relocated to a South Pacific island on Friday after no nation would take them. They are Chinese Muslim separatists who were falsely accused of terrorism, and China didn’t want them freed in the United States. It goes against American values to anger China this close to a Treasury bill auction.
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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 6.15.09

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