HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
George W. Bush greeted reporters outside his family’s Kennebunkport home Friday to celebrate his father’s safe parachute landing. He looked extremely relieved. Five months ago he was the worst president in history and he’s already lost the title.
David Letterman’s show was burglarized Thursday by a thief who slipped inside his office at CBS and stole things. The break-in occurred late at night. It only confirms the greatest fear among Democrats that Sarah Palin is the next Richard Nixon.
Sarah Palin rejected David Letterman’s apology for his joke about her daughter getting knocked up by Alex Rodriguez. What about the insult to the ballplayer? A-Rod’s sex life is a private matter between him and the readers of the New York Post.
The Pittsburgh Penguins beat the Detroit Red Wings to win the Stanley Cup. The two cities hate each other. All week long the steelworkers were acting like dukes and earls, lording it over the autoworkers because they haven’t been nationalized yet.
Six Flags amusement parks filed for Chapter Eleven bankruptcy in Delaware last weekend to get out from under $2 billion of debt. They can’t let this happen. You’d think anything with roller coasters that tall would be too big to fail.
Congressman Patrick Kennedy of Rhode Island took a leave of absence from Capitol Hill Friday. It was for health reasons. He checked into rehab to detoxify himself from alcohol and drugs, or as it’s called in Hollywood, a little routine maintenance.
California lawmakers debated on Friday whether to legalize pot to raise needed tax revenues. Don’t forget crack. Now that the FDA is regulating tobacco as a drug, anything that can be smoked for enjoyment is a legitimate source of government income.
The FDA approved a new drug to cure gout Friday as Americans get heavier and drink more. Statistics show half the country is obese and three-fourths drink. We’re the first country to survive a depression by living off the food stores in our thighs.
President Obama detailed his trillion dollar health care reform plans in his radio address Saturday. After working over the banks and the car companies, he’s taking on health care. His goal is to make sure no one in America makes more than the president.
President Obama spoke at the AMA Convention in Chicago Monday. He wants to force the medical profession to accept any patient no matter how low the reimbursement. You’ll notice the difference within a year when every name on the PGA leaderboard is Dr. This or Dr. That.
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad crushed Iran’s reformer candidate Friday in a landslide. Polls beforehand showed the challenger winning. An optimist in Iran is anyone who stays up late on election night to see if the opposition won.
Iran had street riots Saturday when Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was declared winner and still president. This means they’ll become a nuclear power. Now the challenge for President Obama is to think of some way to get Iran to declare war on North Korea.
North Korea’s Kim Jong Il named his third son to succeed him Wednesday, raising hopes the country may not self-destruct. The son is known to be competitive, a heavy drinker and somewhat proficient in English. He’s already been given an official title--Kim W. II.
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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 6.16.09