Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Iranian police opened fire Monday on rioters who said that Iran’s presidential election last week was rigged. Iran’s government cut off all cell-phone service, text messages and Twitter, and for two days there were no train wrecks or bus crashes.
The Los Angeles Lakers won the NBA title Sunday but owner Jerry Buss wasn’t in attendance in Orlando. He’s famous for dating women who are barely of legal age. If Jerry Buss ever runs for public office, David Letterman will have jokes for a year.
Mel Gibson cut the price of the Connecticut estate he must sell in his divorce settlement Monday. He had it decorated like a monastery. He’d probably have better luck selling it if he didn’t insist on whipping all the Realtors who came to show it.
The Agriculture Department warned Monday that a deadly wheat spore that originated in Kenya is spreading to South Asia. It could wipe out eighty percent of the world’s wheat crop. As if President Obama didn’t have enough to do, Kenya has the Crouton Bomb.
The White House arranged for former AT&T chairman Ed Whitacre become the head of General Motors. The only thing he ever ran was a phone company. He’s only been running General Motors a week and already cars are free on evenings and weekends.
The Lundberg Survey saw gas prices rise despite lower demand Monday. Investors who are worried about inflation are putting all their money into commodities. They know that President Obama can’t print more oil, not without losing the votes of the Sierra Club.
President Obama spoke to the American Medical Association convention in Chicago Monday. He insisted to the doctors that his health care plan would provide coverage for everyone without increasing the deficit or reducing the quality of care. After the speech a raucous debate broke out over whether to prescribe thorazine or lithium.
President Obama caused worry among doctors with his speech to the AMA convention Monday, calling America’s current health system a ticking time bomb. So that’s it. He’s going to waterboard the doctors until they agree to work for a dollar a year.
President Obama was booed by the American Medical Associa-tion convention crowd Monday when he refused to cap medical malpractice damages. He’s so generous to his rivals. He made Joe Biden vice president, he made Hillary his Secretary of State, and he guaranteed that John Edwards will be able to leave his legal practice to his kids.
Supreme Court nominee Sonya Sotomayor slipped at La Guardia Airport and broke her ankle last week while en route to D.C. She’s had to hobble into Senate offices all week. Her only comfort is knowing that her lawsuit will eventually come before her.
Bermuda welcomed wrongly-accused Chinese Muslims released from Guantanamo last week. They were photographed enjoying the beach and posing for pictures. Then they saw the old colonial wooden stocks in the town square and confessed to three fictional terrorist plots, which sent the CIA out on another wild goose chase through Afghanistan.
The L.A. Lakers won the NBA title Sunday during the city’s Gay Pride parade. The riot was crazy. When the fumes from the Molotov cocktails mixed with the cologne worn by parade marchers, the explosion scared North Korea back to the bargaining table.
CIA Director Leon Panetta said Monday he thinks that Dick Cheney smells blood on the issue of national defense and secretly hopes for another terrorist attack. How rude. Once the CIA stopped trying to kill Castro all that energy had to go somewhere.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 6.17.09

Print