Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Sammy Sosa was reported Tuesday to be on the list of Major League players who tested positive for steroids. He was a cheater all along. It turns out President Bush was right about two things, democracy spreading to Iran and trading Sammy Sosa to Chicago.
The Gallup Poll released a survey of America’s political views Tuesday. Things have changed. Twenty percent of Americans identify as liberals, forty percent identify as conservatives and everybody else wants Queen Elizabeth to forgive us and take us back.
Italy’s Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi arrived at the White House for meetings Monday. He’s embroiled in a sex scandal involving himself and an eighteen-year-old actress. The reason he’s in less trouble than David Letterman is that he’s not kidding.
David Letterman was picketed in New York Tuesday for joking that Sarah Palin’s daughter got knocked up by Alex Rodriguez. Protesters clogged the street outside his TV studio. He’s in so much trouble that A.C. Cowlings drove him home to Connecticut.
David Letterman apologized profusely to Governor Sarah Palin on the air Monday after sponsors complained to the network about him and threatened to bolt. Suddenly he has more in common with Sarah Palin than he thought. He’s in the middle of contract renewal negotiations with CBS and when he looks outside his window he can see Siberia.
Iran banned all foreign reporters from the street riots in Tehran Tuesday but eyewitness reports did get Twittered. No one knows whether to take them seriously. Each Twitter consists of a hundred and forty characters, but then so did Animal House.
President Obama refused to criticize Iran’s bloody crackdown Tuesday, saying he won’t interfere. He referred to the Ayatollah as Supreme Leader. When Barack Obama returned the bust of Winston Churchill he replaced it with one of Neville Chamberlain.
Tehran was the site of huge street protests Sunday following the election and demonstrators were beaten bloody by the police. Thank goodness the Los Angeles police have an alibi. Everybody knows they were beating people at the Staples Center.
Prince William was reportedly house shopping in Malibu Monday. How shrewd. The best way to get even with Mel Gibson for all his movies ripping England is to wait until he’s desperate for divorce money, then buy his house for ten cents on the dollar.
Michelle Obama and grade-school kids harvested lettuce on the White House lawn on TV Tuesday. Lucky she was in Washington. In California if you’re foolish enough to film children picking lettuce you have to pay them the Screen Actors Guild minimum.
U.S. Senator John Ensign admitted an extramarital affair with a campaign staffer Tuesday. Republicans have all the sex scandals now. A gorgeous cigarette girl could wink at President Obama in a hotel lobby and he’d never take his eyes off her Winstons.
The U.S. Department of Agriculture began slaughtering Canadian geese that nest near New York’s airports Tuesday. There was not a peep of protest from local animal lovers. Just because Detroit is returning to the wild doesn’t mean all U.S. cities have to do it.
The Congressional Budget Office said the president’s health care plan will cost one trillion three hundred billion dollars. The number stunned everyone. Michael Jordan saw it in the newspaper and wondered how his divorce settlement became public.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 6.18.09

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