Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Los Angeles Lakers enjoyed a victory parade on Wednesday. The playoff games put the NBA under scrutiny. Ninety percent of Americans believe that everything’s fixed and that’s just the faces, noses and breasts of the first two rows of Laker fans.
The Dallas Cowboys showed interest in signing Plaxico Burress despite his legal woes. It would carry on a long academic tradition in Dallas. He would occupy the Lance Rentzel, Michael Irvin, Terrell Owens out-of-their-minds chair at wide receiver.
Mexico’s navy found over a ton of cocaine inside twenty frozen shark carcasses in shipping containers Tuesday. Lesson learned. The next time the sharks come upon a school of record label executives, they’d be well advised to eat at a different beach.
Tiger Woods is favored to defend his U.S. Open title at Bethpage Golf Course this weekend. He walked through his final practice round Wednesday flanked by six New York state troopers. It’s just amazing how many people mistake him for President Obama.
ABC will give President Obama an hour of free primetime Wednesday to promote his health care plan. The network refused to air commercials during the broadcast that express any opposing points of view on health care. It’s only a matter of time before Barack Obama sheds the title of president to become the Kaiser Permanente.
President Obama killed a fly during a CNBC interview with John Harwood Tuesday. He killed it with his bare hand. He was careful not to use the sole of his shoe on the fly because that’s considered the ultimate sign of disrespect in the insect world.
Voice of America began broadcasting news to Iran in Farsi delivered by Iranian-American news anchors Tuesday. There was controversy. Everything was going well until the news anchor told a joke about Alex Rodriguez marrying both of Sarah Palin’s daughters.
President Obama resisted the pressure to encourage the Iranian street protests for democracy in Tehran. He said he doesn’t want to meddle in Iran’s affairs. He doesn’t see how it’s going to help if he tells them what kind of car they should drive.
The White House proposed federal loan guarantees for American nuclear power plant construction Tuesday. This will never get through Congress. The Democrats don’t like nuclear power and the Republicans don’t like it used for peaceful purposes.
Chrysler re-opened seven auto plants following its purchase by Italian automaker Fiat. Everyone we ever defeated in a war is now beating us in the car business. Vietnam would be an economic powerhouse today if they’d had the sense to throw the game.
The New York Times said Wednesday an NSA analyst was investigated for reading Bill Clinton’s e-mail. Instead of searching for Osama bin Laden, the spy was searching the e-mails for details about Bill Clinton’s personal life. You don’t need a spy agency to figure out why newspaper circulation crashed after Bill Clinton left office.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 6.19.09

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