Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how’s everybody?
William Shatner flipped off Conan O’Brien on the Tonight Show and used obscene sexual hand gestures. It fits a pattern. The networks have decided the only way to compete with the Internet is to turn shows over to creepy old guys and teenaged girls.
Italy’s premier Silvio Berlusconi was videotaped in his bedroom by an escort model who has turned the tapes over to prosecutors. What a sleazebag. No one can believe he is cheating on the seventeen-year-old he was dating behind his wife’s back.
Hillary Clinton slipped and broke an elbow in the State Department parking lot Thursday and had to be driven to George Washington Hospital for treatment. There was no delay at all. The economy is so bad now that all the cab drivers speak English.
The USS John McCain intercepted a North Korean vessel Friday after facing down a Chinese sub the week before. The John McCain almost started two wars in two weeks. It’s a reminder to Americans that the Republican Party isn’t dead, it’s just cruising.
Defense Secretary Bob Gates called on China’s help when North Korea threatened Hawaii Friday. China is ambivalent. Hawaii is our fiftieth state and changing all those U.S. flags back to forty-nine stars will keep Chinese sweatshops humming for years.
The Ayatollah warned the Iranian protesters Friday that troops would crack down and crack down hard on further protests. It really backfired. Ten thousand people Twittered that he’d offered crack to the mob, and that just brought out the Laker fans.
Iranians defied the Ayatollah’s threats Friday as protesters used technology to thwart the news blackout. It’s like an Alfred Hitchcock movie. First a Canadian goose brings down an airliner and now Twitter is bringing down the government of Iran.
President Obama stated Friday he is concerned by the Ayatollah Khamenei vowing to crush protesters. He should ignore calls to do what Ronald Reagan did. If he sells Iran missiles and uses the profits to end communism it will kill his health care plan.
House Democrats released a trillion dollar health care bill Friday without any mention of how they’ll pay for it. They say they hope to get Americans sold on its benefits before they reveal its cost. It’s a technique they learned from crack dealers.
Bermuda’s premier was ripped by parliament Friday for letting Uighers settle there. It may work. The way to get the detainees to talk is to put them on a beach, hand them a piña colada, then have a swimsuit model ask them what they did in the war.
The U.S. government was asked on Thursday to pay the City of London five million dollars in unpaid parking tickets owed by the U.S. embassy staff. It’s a nasty trait shared by Anglo-Saxons. The Bushes can’t have Thanksgiving dinner in their family home in Kennebunkport without everybody watching their watches and feeding the meters.
NBC News replaced unattractive staffers with beautiful ringers to sit behind Brian Williams during the NBC News. It’s a trend. It started at the Miss America pageant when Fox News got the pageant to add Teleprompter reading to the swimsuit contest and hired the winners, and today conservatives outnumber liberals two to one.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
published in The Messenger 6.22.09

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