Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Ayatollah Khamenei ordered Iranians to stop all protests Friday but on Saturday two million protesters surged into the streets anyway. It unnerved President Obama. Yesterday two million people Twittered that they thought his health care plan was too expensive.
Nestle was forced to recall its Toll House Cookie Dough Thursday after E. coli bacteria was found inside the raw cookie dough. No one knows how many Americans eat raw cookie dough. You can’t get honest numbers about how many Americans smoke pot.
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s jet made an emergency landing in L.A. Friday after smoke filled the cockpit. He was lucky to get out alive. Firefighters refused to come to the runway and save him until he agreed to pay them their overtime in cash, in advance.
NBC News White House correspondent Chuck Todd declared Friday that President Obama’s honeymoon with the press is over. They no longer cross themselves at the mention of his name. Chris Matthews still gets a thrill down his leg, but now it’s related to prostate problems.
Tehran protesters continued to march in the streets on Saturday, demonstrating against Iran’s ruling regime. They are demanding reforms. The women of Iran don’t want to live in the Middle Ages, they want to lie about their age like Western women.
Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was backed by thousands of supporters on Friday who chanted for death to the U.S. and Britain. It upset President Obama. He has done everything he can to create a little distance between us, and it’s not working.
President Obama drew fire Friday for not publicly supporting Iran’s protesters in Tehran. He finally got off the fence when he saw the police turn firehoses on the demonstrators. He will never admit that Dick Cheney was right about waterboarding.
The Pentagon deployed missile interceptors to the Pacific Ocean Saturday after the North Koreans were reported planning to fire off a long-range ICBM. They say they have a missile that could wipe out Los Angeles. It also has some negative aspects.
North Korea vowed to start a nuclear war in the Northwest Pacific on Friday if any of their ships are stopped and searched on the high seas. The threat of a nuclear attack is very real in the region. Japan’s terrified we might miss and hit them again.
Tokyo reported Friday North Korea is planning to fire an ICBM toward Hawaii on July Fourth. It’s about making amends. Japan figures if they can warn the U.S. of a sneak attack on Hawaii from someone else we’ll be even and the books will be closed.
Alex Rodriguez was benched by the New York Yankees due to his batting slump on Friday. It’s awful. David Letterman got in trouble for joking that Alex knocked up Sarah Palin’s daughter and it was the only time all week he made it past third base.
The Gallup Poll released Saturday found that more Americans trust a doctor’s opinion on health care reform than they do a politican’s. That’s true. And it’ll be that way until politicians will give you drugs or answer the phone when you get chest pains.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 6.23.09

Print