Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The U.S. Open finally ended in a victory for Lucas Glover Monday after a weekend marred by torrential rainfall and delays. No one knew who was going to win. The golf course’s length favored the long hitters but the high surf favored the Hawaiians.
Tiger Woods and Phil Mickelson blew chances to win the U.S. Open Monday. A total unknown knocked out the sport’s two top stars. The PGA just decided to hire the best minds in the NBA and professional wrestling to make sure this never happens again.
England’s Stonehenge drew thousands to mark the summer solstice Sunday. Cult followers won’t discuss their belief in the rock structure’s alien origins. Tom Cruise is pretending to be a Methodist until people start going to see his movies again.
The Supreme Court upheld the Voting Rights Act Monday but opened the door for challenges from Southern states. Voting restrictions were imposed in the South after Reconstruction to hinder blacks from voting because blacks always voted Republican. It just shows that the first instinct of a free man is to go with the party of lower taxes.
Italy’s premier Silvio Berlusconi received a public apology Monday from a businessman who recruited starlets and hookers to attend parties at his villa. Imagine the prime minister’s dismay. He actually believed these young women were attracted to him.
Iran’s regime blamed rioting on interference from the U.S. and Britain Monday as anti-American protests broke out in Iraq. This is why we need more energy research. We have to find out just why God put all our oil under national parks and our enemies.
President Obama signed the tobacco bill into law in the Rose Garden Monday. He signed the bill while standing next to a kids’ group for a tobacco-free America. The ceremony was held outside because the Oval Office smells like cigarettes.
L.A. Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa announced in CNN’s newsroom Monday he won’t run for governor. The mayor’s wife left him when he began dating female news anchors last year. He made the announcement at CNN after all the women at Fox News turned him down.
News Corp. announced layoffs at MySpace last week after the once-trendy site was surpassed by Facebook. It’s a fickle market. Twitter’s been out for three months and already consumers want something that’s more immediate and doesn’t take so long to read.
Iran’s challenger Mir Hossein Mousavi led protests all weekend. He claims the election was stolen. If he doesn’t win in the recount he’s threatening to become a global warming activist and take the Nobel Prize away from some deserving scientist.
President Obama watched his words about Iran Monday and ordered the U.S. Navy to avoid a showdown in the Gulf. He intends to play to his strengths. He doesn’t want to say anything about the situation in Iran because he’s really only comfortable talking about himself.
Hillary Clinton met with the British Monday to review options with Iran. Under influence of pain pills she’s reverting to old habits. She told the Foreign Secretary that her elbow was broken on the runway in Tehran by the Iranian Revolutionary Guard.
Iranian demonstrators faced tear gas and water cannons and even gunfire Sunday as they demanded an honest election. Barack Obama is upset by the videos. They’re pulling YouTube viewers away from the clip of him killing the fly with his bare hand.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 6.24.09

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