Argus Hamtilton 6.26.09

LAWTON — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Food and Drug Administration took over control of tobacco advertising Monday under new federal law. The evidence is clear. Smoking cigarettes makes you thin, charismatic, popular, happily married, a good dad, and president of the United States.
Los Angeles Dodgers star Manny Ramirez tuned up for next week’s return Tuesday with the minor league Albuquerque Isotopes. They play near a nuclear weapons lab. If you think Manny Ramirez played well on steroids wait until you see his numbers on uranium.
The USGA started widening seaside holes at Pebble Beach Golf Club in Monterey Tuesday for added TV drama during next year’s U.S. Open. It’s always exciting when the golfers go into the ocean. The sharks love hookers even more than the senators do.
Los Angeles judge Patricia Schnegg let R&B star Chris Brown off with probation and no jail time Monday for beating his girlfriend, pop star Rihanna. The judge had empathy. She didn’t want to admit she doesn’t know what it feels like to lose a Grammy.
Iran’s crackdown yielded results Tuesday when the protesters stayed home, fearing a massive security presence. It seemed harsh to Americans to see Iranian soldiers fire guns into an unarmed crowd. It was like using a president to kill a fly.
President Obama told a Hispanic convention Monday that immigration reform with Mexico is high on his list. They are an important trading partner. In addition to oil, silver, tequila and strawberries, Mexico is the number-one producer of Americans.
North Korea issued a warning to ships in the Northwest Pacific Tuesday that they’ll be conducting unspecified tests over the waters soon. Everyone’s nervous. When you get off the plane in Hawaii now, a beautiful girl drapes a hazmat suit over your head.
The National Archives released new tapes of President Nixon. The tapes reveal a game plan for how to cover up obstruction of justice. There was a time in this country when the President’s Daily Briefing had nothing to do with national security.
CBS News and ABC News both suffered record low TV ratings last week with Katie Couric and Charlie Gibson ducking out of town to avoid blame. It’s their White House coverage. If viewers wanted to watch a cheerleading competition they’d watch ESPN Two.
MLB Player’s Union chief Don Fehr announced Monday he will retire after twenty-six years. He had a great impact on the game. When he took the job, the highest paid player in the locker rooms made two million a year, and that was the coke dealer.
Bill Clinton agreed Tuesday to speak at the World Healthcare Innovation and Technology Congress in November. His thinking has evolved over this past decade. He had always believed in universal health care until about ten years ago when he got Blue Cross and Blue Pill.
Congress will vote on a climate change bill today after a compromise was reached between the chairmen of the Agriculture and Energy Committees. The bill makes everyone who runs an engine or a farm pay a fee to offset the carbon they produce. Under the compromise, the fee would be paid to the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee.
The White House announced Tuesday it will review invitations to Iranian diplomats to attend July Fourth parties at U.S. embassies. The parties will include women with bare arms, alcohol, pork ribs and a celebration of liberty. The British diplomats are bringing the potato salad and the Iranian diplomats are bringing the tear gas.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com
Published in The Messenger 6.26.09

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