Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Ford Motors rolled out a new model of the classic Mustang Monday with a Shelby engine optional. Baby Boomers love it. Sure it’s expensive, but with a top speed of one hundred and sixty miles an hour it’s a lot cheaper than nursing home insurance.
L.A. Dodger Manny Ramirez was mobbed by fans in Albuquerque Tuesday during minor league rehab. The city is the home to top secret federal nuclear research labs. He went to Albuquerque as a steroid user and he is coming back to Los Angeles as Godzilla.
Public Enemies premiered in Chicago Monday starring Johnny Depp as bank robber John Dillinger. The actor made news hours after the screening by leaving a waiter a four thousand dollar tip. No one even knew that a sequel to Blow was in production.
ABC News gave Barack Obama all Wednesday night to lobby for health care reform but ratings tanked. Sex always wins. ABC News televised health care sob stories while all the other networks were airing a new episode of Republicans Gone Wild.
Italy’s premier Silvio Berlusconi insisted the girls at his villa on the weekend are starlets, not hookers. It’s called preparation. To rehearse for next month’s meeting of industrial leaders in Italy, Silvio is entertaining a Group of Eight every weekend.
South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford apologized publicly Thursday for cheating on his wife. It could go either way. Republicans believe marriage is a union between a man and a woman, while South Carolina has always believed in seceding from the union.
Governor Mark Sanford’s adultery confession Wednesday may have hurt his chances to run for president. Or did it? He dropped out of sight and didn’t say a word for four days, and Americans are finding that more and more attractive in a candidate.
Senator Max Baucus said Thursday it may be necessary to raise taxes to pay for health care reform if taxing benefits doesn’t raise enough. We’ve all seen this in detective movies. His job is to kill the U.S. economy and make it look like an accident.
Congress launched an investigation of Sammy Sosa for lying to a House Committee about steroid use Monday. This is just silly. Players will give up taking steroids when congressmen take down the giant billboards of themselves in their home districts.
The National Archives released more audiotape of President Nixon’s Oval Office conversations Monday. He used profane, racist, anti-Semitic and sexist language frankly and casually. His Oval Office was like a chat room that never banned anybody.
President Obama was reported Wednesday to have sent a letter addressed to the Supreme Leader of Iran before the election offering better relations and increased mutual cooperation. Americans aren’t pleased. George W. Bush may have been hapless but the only man he ever addressed as Supreme Leader was the Commissioner of Baseball.
The White House announced Wednesday that President Obama will stop in Rome and visit with Pope Benedict during his trip to Italy in July. The president wasn’t able to comment about the meeting. He was at the National Cathedral posing for a wall.
The U.S. Chamber of Commerce reported Tuesday that shoplifters stole over thirty-seven billion dollars in merchandise last year. Economists were thrilled by the news. They say it shows consumer demand will come back when the prices are low enough.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 6.29.09

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