Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Academy Awards doubled the number of Best Picture nominees to ten instead of five Wednesday. They’re desperate to boost TV ratings. They dropped the steroids test for presenters and made Girls Gone Wild videos eligible for Best Documentary.
President Obama confessed Tuesday he has not kicked his decades-long cigarette habit. He says he’s no longer a smoker but he sometimes smokes. It’s like claiming you’re just being frugal when you ask the bartender at closing time for a doggy glass.
The White House announced Wednesday that President Obama will attend the Major League Baseball All-Star game in St. Louis in July. It’s a ceremonial appearance. Before the game he is going to throw out the first ten amendments to the Constitution.
President Obama snapped at reporters Tuesday when they asked if he has quit smoking. His office aides carry Nicorette gum at all times in case he gets a craving. Think of all the political careers that could be saved if somebody would invent Infidelity Gum.
Governor Mark Sanford flew to Argentina to see a woman he met online. He says he’s sorry and has begun rehabilitation. He resigned as head of the GOP Governors Association and plans to devote his life to teaching computer literacy to married men.
Governor Sanford’s adultery admission Wednesday was the fourth GOP sex scandal in a year after Eliot Spitzer and Senators David Vitter and John Ensign. They must stop running the movie Santa Fe Trail at GOP retreats. Whenever they see Ronald Reagan and Errol Flynn in the same movie a lot of Republicans forget which one they’re following.
The Congressional Black Caucus was put under an ethics investigation Wednesday over their Caribbean conference. It was paid for by a lobbyist. Soon Congressmen will have to wear uniforms like racecar drivers so we can identify their corporate sponsors.
The National Archives released Oval Office tapes of President Nixon talking to Bob Hope Monday. The comedian was recorded flattering Nixon about how smart and wise he was. Bob Hope had no idea he was being recorded, or he would have charged a lot more money.
Italy’s premier Silvio Berlusconi had a press conference in Rome Friday where he denied hiring hookers. He said that paying for sex would take away his sense of satisfaction from the conquest. He’s seeing three girls, Abyssinia, Brittania and Gaul.
The Congress on Racial Equality sent a letter to congressmen Friday saying the climate bill is an immoral assault on poor Americans and minorities. It caused chaos on Capitol Hill. Republicans thought they were supposed to be against this bill.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 6.30.09

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