Posted: Thursday, July 2, 2009 10:06 pm
By: Argus Hamilton
HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Nutty Professor will be produced as a Broadway musicalby Jerry Lewis this fall. In it, a shy science teacher drinks apotion he made and becomes a seducer of women named Buddy Love, oras he’d be known today, Governor Love of South Carolina.
Minnesota’s Supreme Court ruled Tuesday Al Franken won thestate’s Senate race recount. It’s the first time voters haveintentionally elected a comedian. Most of them don’t turn out tobe jokers until after they’ve been in office a couple of years.
Mel Brooks will bring The Thousand-Year-Old Man to Broadwaynext year. It’s an interview with a guy who’s lived ten centuries.If men can live to be a thousand, Bernie Madoff will be gettingout of jail just about the time the economy turns around.
Los Angeles Dodgers star Manny Ramirez returns to the gameFriday after his suspension for testing positive for femalefertility drugs. He’s on schedule. After fifty days he has developedan uncontrollable craving for Dodger Dogs with pickles and ice cream.
Michael Jackson’s father Joe Jackson went on the BET Awardsand announced he’s searching for the next Michael. People inHollywood were aghast. The first rule of show business is you haveto wait three days before you cash in on a dead relative.
The Apollo Theater in Harlem held a tribute to MichaelJackson Tuesday. In the middle of the telecast a lightning stormknocked it off the air. Michael Jackson wasn’t in heaven threedays and already he found the special effects control panel.
Michael Jackson’s doctor hired a lawyer Monday to protecthim from allegations concerning his actions at the death scene.The doctor did everything he could to save him. He even refusedthe singer’s last request to take him to Children’s Hospital.
South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford admitted Tuesday hecrossed the line with other women beside the Argentine. Busy boy.When he said his state didn’t need the stimulus package he shouldhave specified he was talking about the state of his pants.
American Airlines suffered a bird strike on a passengerliner while landing in New York Tuesday. There’s a lot of angryterrorists out there. It’s becoming more apparent by the day thatOsama bin Laden has outsourced their jobs to Canadian geese.
President Obama congratulated Iraq on its sovereigntyTuesday at a White House event. He seemed clearly happy. Thepresident made these remarks while speaking to a national organizationof nonprofit groups, formerly known as the Big Three automakers.
President Obama expressed anger Tuesday over the Hondurascoup which overthrew the Marxist, putting a U.S. president on thesame side as Castro, Chavez and Ortega. It has to be amisunderstanding. The best guess is, his aides asked him to bailout a banana republic, and Barack Obama just assumed they weretalking about the retailer.
Mexico police working with police dogs provided by the DEAseized five tons of cocaine Tuesday at Cabo San Lucas. It was ahuge haul. The cops knew they had some thing when the dog startedsniffing the bales and then sat down and wrote a rock song.
Vanity Fair ran a devastating piece on Sarah Palin whichdescribes the governor as an unstable and narcissistic egomaniac.Every day she’s targeted for attack by the elite media. She wasjust voted Rookie of the Year by the Nixon Library.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store inHollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at email@example.com.
Published in The Messenger 7.2.09