Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — Happy Independence Day weekend, and God bless America.
Simon Cowell was offered $140 million a year by Fox Network Tuesday to remain on American Idol. All major American holidays are based on little fibs. There is no Easter Bunny, and there is no Santa Claus, and we never really left Britain.
“Public Enemies” opened Friday starring Johnny Depp as John Dillinger. Bank robberies were more exciting in that depression than in this one. Who’d pay to see a movie about people who lie about the value of their house, stop paying the mortgage and walk away?
The FDA said Tuesday it may ban acetaminophen mixed with pain killers because of liver risks. Acetaminophen itself is safely used as directed. Still, Tylenol overdose is America’s second leading cause of liver failure, next to keeping up with John Daly.
Tiger Woods hosts the AT&T National in Washington D.C. this week. He played the pro-am with with Dallas Cowboy Tony Romo. Tony Romo needs a lot of security when he plays in Redskins country, so he has to play with either Tiger Woods or Barack Obama.
Dow Chemical announced layoffs Tuesday of thousands of workers and chemists in three chemical plants. It was inevitable. Now that Michael Jackson is gone the demand for hair relaxers, skin bleach and prescription drugs has fallen off the cliff.
Michael Jackson’s dermatologist Dr. Arnold Klein of Beverly Hills was outed as the sperm donor father of Michael’s two oldest kids Tuesday. What a story. Where else but in America can a black superstar marry Elvis’s daughter and have Jewish children?
OK Magazine ran a cover photo of Michael Jackson on a stretcher being put inside the ambulance. The issue sold out. If he had known people were that interested in seeing him carried around he could have performed in a sedan chair and saved his life.
Michael Jackson’s will was filed in Los Angeles Court Wednesday which provides only for his children and his mother. The estate taxes could be a problem. There’s so much debt in his estate that if California claims its share of the debt, the levees will break in Sacramento.
California lawmakers failed to reach a balanced budget Wednesday and was forced to begin issuing IOUs to pay its bills. The state spends billions every year on education and medical care for illegal immigrants. Arnold Schwarzenegger would sue the federal government for the money but he can’t find his birth certificate either.
President Obama applauded Iraq on its progress Tuesday as U.S. troops left their cities. He has assigned Joe Biden the task of making sure everything goes right in Iraq. No one can understand why an American president’s ordering suicide missions.
President Obama hosted a town hall meeting Wednesday that was televised on the Internet. How the mighty have fallen. Two months ago his every word was carried live on network TV and now he’s competing for eyeballs with online porn and Internet poker.
Joe Biden traveled to Erie to award millions for broadband access and failed to draw a crowd. They had to remove chairs to make the room look full. People heard the vice president was coming to talk about the Internet and they thought it was Al Gore.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 7.3.09

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