Posted: Monday, July 6, 2009 8:01 pm
By: Argus Hamilton
HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Toronto Argonaut Arland Bruce paid homage to Michael Jackson after a touchdown Friday and got fined. He laid down in the end zone and played dead. They apologized to him after it turned out the impression sold out the stadium for the next six games.
The Staples Center in Los Angeles will host Michael Jackson’s memorial service Tuesday. The Ringling Brothers circus is scheduled to begin eight hours after the funeral in the same arena. It you can tell the difference, you deserve to get in free.
Los Angeles deployed hundreds of police for Michael Jackson’s memorial service Tuesday. It’s a fiscal crisis. The city is broke and can’t pay overtime so cops have been asked to work just for the chance to beat demonstrators at a historic event.
L.A. investigators found the anesthetic Diprivan in Michael Jackson’s rented home in Bel-Air Friday. He had prescription drugs and an IV unit in the living room. It is just one more thing making it difficult for musicians to rent in nice neighborhoods.
President Obama flew to Russia for Kremlin talks Monday. Russia tried national health care, they tried government ownership of industry and they tried to win a war in Afghanistan. If you can’t be a good example you can at least be a horrible warning.
President Obama hosted a reception for gay and lesbian organizers in the White House Monday. They put heavy pressure on him about gay marriage. The next time he says he has a mandate, he’s going to be careful to explain that he really likes women.
Lady Liberty’s crown was re-opened to tourists Saturday after being closed due to the World trade Center attacks. It was a no-win situation. The Statue of Liberty is obviously a tempting target, but with no people around, Canada geese were free to use the statue as a forward staging base from which to attack passenger planes.
The Washington Post tried to sell access to its reporters to lobbyists to make money. The Post is being vilified for unethical conduct. Police in Orange County had to be called to the Nixon Library after three people collapsed from laughing too hard.
The San Diego Padres had a lengthy game delay Thursday when bees attacked left field. America’s bee population is reportedly engaging in incest, which threatens the bee population. The mystery is, how are they able to make the banjos that small?
The Transportation Depart-ment said car driving fell off by four percent this year in the steepest decline in history. It’s the economy. Young people can’t take the family sedan out for a hot date beccause their parents are living in the car.
Governor Mark Sanford spent the Fourth in Florida trying to reconcile with his wife. He should still run for the White House. Americans have come to realize that the stock market only does well when we elect presidents for their entertainment value.
British Museum archivists discovered an original copy of America’s Declaration of Independence in storage in London Thursday. It got a laugh. Parents always keep notes from their children, especially the ones that say they’re running away from home.
Sarah Palin resigned as governor of Alaska apparently to run for president Friday. As she spoke her long, dark hair fell over a bright red double-breasted jacket. The GOP waited years to have a candidate who sounds like Richard Nixon and looks like Michael Jackson.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at email@example.com.
Published in The Messenger 7.6.09