Posted: Tuesday, July 7, 2009 8:01 pm
By: Argus Hamilton
HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how’s everybody?
George W. Bush spoke at a July Fourth event in Woodward, Oklahoma. Locals could not believe he agreed to come, and police had to scramble to accommodate the crowds. The excitement reached a frenzy after video footage of his last rehearsal was leaked.
Bubbles the Chimp was not invited to Michael Jackson’s memorial at the Staples Center. He’s living in an animal shelter for great apes in Florida. It was twenty-four years ago today that Bubbles ran away from the circus to join the Jackson family.
The Staples Center hosts Michael Jackson’s funeral in Los Angeles today. There will be a million people on the streets. That’s how many people feel cheated that there was no riot after the Lakers’ win and think the town owes them a flat screen.
Los Angeles police went into Michael Jackson’s house Friday and found the drug Diprivan and an IV unit set up in the den. The search was completely legal. The police entered the house acting on a tip there was Children’s Bayer in the guest room.
Mercedes-Benz rolled out a new luxury sedan Saturday that’s getting critical raves for its extras. It has an electronic driver’s seat masseuse. If a politician can survive being photographed driving a Mercedes, it could save him a prostitute scandal.
U.S. Navy forces went on alert in Hawaii Saturday, deploying interceptors and sea-based radar in case North Korea launched a missile attack. That’s a relief. Time magazine’s cover story just advised President Obama to be just like FDR, but turning his back on Pearl Harbor to get America out of a depression might look a little obvious.
North Korea fired seven short-range missiles on July Fourth, each with a range of about three hundred miles. South Korea and Japan called the missile firings provocative. They weren’t intended to be provocative, all missiles are shaped like that.
President Obama will fly to Italy for the Group of Eight meeting this week. He’s scheduled a long meeting with Pope Benedict at the Vatican Friday. He said he’s been doing a lot of research on which church to join, but this is ridiculous.
President Obama visits a castle in Ghana Saturday which was a hub of the slave trade in Africa. It’s hard for him. He’s torn between his hatred for slavery and his belief that a one hundred percent tax rate will solve all of the problems in the world.
The World Series of Poker began its fortieth year in Las Vegas Saturday at the Rio Hotel and Casino. No woman has ever placed higher than fifth. Women with top skills in lying and deception can do a lot better than the jackpot in some poker tournament.
Sarah Palin resigned as governor of Alaska without telling Alaska’s lieutenant governor Friday, in a press conference that left viewers cross-eyed. She said she gave up her office to spend more time thinking of ways to serve Alaska. Mark Sanford was only able to enjoy a six-day run as the strangest Republican governor in America.
Mark Sanford refused calls for him to resign as governor of South Carolina. He spent the Fourth of July in Florida trying to reconcile with his wife. Womanizers around the country agreed it was a rather inappropriate way to spend Independence Day.
Lady Liberty re-opened to tourists in New York Saturday. The sculptor depicted Frances Stuart, a English girl who refused to sleep with Charles II even after he put her image on British coins as Britannia, later copied in America as Lady Liberty. Until Emma Lazarus wrote that poem the monument was known as the Statue of Abstinence.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Published in The Messenger 7.7.09