Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Staples Center hosted both Michael Jackson’s funeral and the Ringling Brothers opening Tuesday. What a day. Everybody’s favorite moment was when Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton and 25 other dignitaries all got out of the same Volkswagen.
Tennessee Titans legend Steve McNair became the ninth celebrity in the world of entertainment and sports to die in three weeks Saturday. It’s the recession. Once the economy forced them to start drinking tap water, their bodies just couldn’t adjust.
Los Angeles police demanded Monday the Staples Center help pay the police costs for Michael Jackson’s memorial. They can’t cope with all these celebrity funerals. Street vendors all over Hollywood have begun selling Maps to the Stars’ Chalk Outlines.
Dodger Stadium distributed 17,000 tickets to Michael Jackson’s memorial after two million people applied. They were then scalped for a hundred grand. It’s evidence Michael Jackson touched a lot of people, however he was acquitted every time.
Al Sharpton announced a campaign Sunday to get Michael Jackson’s image on a U.S. postage stamp in the next five years. This will be some campaign. We’d have to vote between the younger African-American Michael and the older Joan Crawford Michael.
Michael Jackson’s mother Katherine was denied executorship of Michael’s estate by a judge Monday. The estate’s in great shape now that Michael is no longer spending $30 million per month. That’s how much prescription medicine costs in America today.
Minnesota U.S. Sen. Al Franken arrived in Washington D.C. Monday after winning the long recount last week. He’s the 60th vote for the Democrats and now they can do whatever they want to do. He refused to believe they can’t get him a TV series.
The U.S. and Russian governments agreed Monday in St. Petersburg to lower their number of nuclear weapons to as few as 1,500 apiece. Critics say we’re just disassembling the weapons, not destroying them. National security now depends on which population can follow the directions to assemble Christmas presents the fastest.
President Obama agreed in Russia Monday to cut the U.S. nuclear arsenal. This comes after he sided with the Mullahs in Iran and Castro in Honduras. It would be an obvious case of political suicide except that they can’t rule out a David Carradine-style accident.
Sarah Palin said nothing about future political plans after her resignation as governor of Alaska Friday, and she went fishing with her husband in western Alaska. She has got a restricted license. She’s only allowed to bag three speaking gigs a day.
The Lundberg Survey said gas prices hit $3 per gallon in California despite people driving less. Critics say drivers are being screwed by the oil companies. It’s no accident that the most frequently used actor’s name in porno movies is Derrick.
NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell was reported Monday nearing a ruling on Michael Vick’s case. He’s good at this. Last year Roger Goodell arranged for the Cincinnati Bengals to wear striped uniforms, so when they go to prison they won’t have to change.
The London Telegraph reported research on apes Friday indicating that laughter dates back before mankind. Researchers were able to get apes to laugh on cue, proving that laughter goes back 10 million years. Jackie Mason can tell you, the jokes still work.
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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 7.8.09

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