Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Greenpeace activists draped a banner on Mt. Rushmore calling on President Obama to end global warming. You have to be impressed. After only six months President Obama owns General Motors, Chrysler, four banks and AIG, and now he is on Mt. Rushmore.
Magic Johnson was lauded for his hilarious eulogy at Michael Jackson’s funeral Tuesday. It aired worldwide. Neil Armstrong can only dream of how much money he would have today if his first three words on the moon had been Kentucky Fried Chicken.
Neil Armstrong will be celebrated next week on the fortieth anniversary of his becoming the first man in history to land on the moon. He is the most optimistic human being who ever lived. Neil Armstrong returned to the earth, and he had a choice.
O.J. Simpson’s lawyer asked a judge in Nevada Tuesday to release him from prison pending appeal of his armed robbery and burglary conviction. The judge must decide whether O.J. is a threat to cut and run. One jury said he is and one jury said he isn’t.
Michael Jackson’s funeral at Staples Center Tuesday drew tourist dollars to Los Angeles. Locals spent, too. One guy went to Staples for the funeral but when no one showed up he bought a laser printer and a day planner so it wouldn’t be a wasted trip.
Michael Jackson’s dermatologist Dr. Arnold Klein said Thursday he doesn’t think he’s the biological father of the kids but he doesn’t rule it out. You know how it is in Los Angeles. Nobody is claiming those kids until they find out if they can sing.
President Obama corrected Joe Biden’s statement Sunday that the U.S. would step aside if Israel attacks Iran. It’s getting nutty. Every morning the first item on President Obama’s threat assessment report is whatever Joe Biden said the day before.
Italy’s prime minister Silvio Berlusconi asked the Group of Eight leaders to commit to reducing Earth’s temperature by three degrees. It’s not necessary. Just because Silvio Berlusconi is overheated does not mean everybody chases teenaged girls.
Pope Benedict slammed capitalism Tuesday and demanded business ethics that put welfare over profits. Of course he’d say that. When you have a job for life you don’t have to worry about which corporations are going to hire you to speak after you retire.
Jeb Bush said Wednesday Americans wouldn’t have voted for Barack Obama if they knew he had a secret plan to run up deficits in the trillions. It’s amazing. It only took the Democrats six months to change the Bush family name from mud to front-runner.
House Democrats pushed a second giant stimulus spending package Tuesday which the White House encouraged. Once you get a taste of free stimulus money, it takes more and more free stimulus money to keep you high. Once all these congressmen quit drinking, drugging and cheating on their wives, the disease had to go somewhere.
Senate Democrats considered paying for universal health care Tuesday by taxing sugary drinks and alcohol. It doesn’t seem fair. If somebody orders a rum and coke at a bar, they are going to have to calculate the tip on half a trillion dollars.
Utah’s Senator Orrin Hatch held hearings on college football’s Bowl Championship Series and said it’s clannish, exclusive and it leaves out deserving parties. He’s really mad. A guy this white isn’t accustomed to being excluded from any country club.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 7.10.09

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