Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
President Obama was photographed admiring the rear end of a beautiful teenage girl in Italy at the Group of Eight summit. There’s a simple explanation. Hillary Clinton didn’t go on the trip but Bill Clinton’s still acting as an unofficial adviser.
The Running of the Bulls was held in Spain Sunday and 10 people were trampled fleeing wild bulls down the street. It’s senseless and bloody and you can’t take your eyes off it. Every nation has its version of Supreme Court confirmation hearings.
The U.S. Senate began Supreme Court confirmation hearings Monday for Judge Sonia Sotomayor. She’d replace David Souter. Her confirmation would put six Catholics on the Supreme Court, making it only one-third less Catholic than the College of Cardinals.
Judge Sonia Sotomayor told the U.S. Senate Monday her judicial philosophy is one of fidelity to the law. She may never get confirmed. When she mentioned the law it embarrassed the Democrats and bringing up fidelity was a cheap shot at Republicans.
Justice David Souter will retire from the Supreme Court in July. For the first time in history there will not be an Episcopalian on the court. The 200-year tradition of adjourning every summer for the British Open is seriously in danger.
David Letterman welcomes Paul McCartney to the Late Show tonight where he will plug his summer tour. Hopefully they’ll enjoy some laughs. Dave’s last joke about Sarah Palin’s daughter died so badly that Al Sharpton showed up to lead the memorial.
Sarah Palin announced in her resignation speech that Alaska is better off with her out of the governor’s office. She’s clearing her schedule for bigger things. She’s this close to announcing her children would be much better off raised by wolves.
Jaguar introduced its new XJ sedan made out of recycled aluminum. It’s sure to be a favorite in Hollywood. You can drive a hundred miles an hour then tell the cop that the smell of alcohol is coming from the recycled beer cans in the door panel.
Michael Jackson’s father Joe tells ABC Thursday how he raised the Jackson Five in Indiana. He admits whipping his sons during rehearsals when they missed a step. Money was tight and the family couldn’t afford both a choreographer and an overseer.
LaToya Jackson charged Tuesday that her brother Michael was murdered. He could afford all the drugs he wanted without worrying about the costs or consequences. It’s just more evidence that national health care will kill more people than it saves.
President Obama chose Alabama doctor Regina Benjamin to be the next U.S. Surgeon General. It’s getting complicated. She will answer to the drug czar, who answers to the health czar, who answers to the immortality czar, who answers to the Romanoffs.
The Treasury Department announced Monday that the U.S. budget deficit has topped $1 trillion for the first time in history. It’s uncharted territory. We are so deep in the hole that it’s starting to look like a secret plan to invade China
President Obama told reporters Monday that Congress won’t stop him from passing health care reform this summer. You’ve seen this move on the Discovery Channel. What he is doing to Congress is known in the Animal Kingdom as marking your territory.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 7.15.09

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