Posted: Friday, July 17, 2009 8:03 pm
By: Argus Hamilton
HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
President Obama demanded that Congress pass health care reform on Wednesday as support began slipping over its massive cost. It isn’t right for the rich to have better health care than the poor. Everybody should have anesthesia in the living room.
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince sold out its Thursday midnight openings nationwide. Children love how the boy wizard uses witchcraft to battle evil. If Harry Potter were an American he would use his magical powers to fend off foreclosure.
The Episcopal Church voted to lift its ban on the ordination of gay bishops at its national convention in Anaheim Tuesday. The church is split by the gay issue. Conservative Anglicans cannot abide a theology that hates the sin but loves the shoes.
Berlin’s brothel Maison d’Envie offered low-price tricks to men who arrived on bicycles Tuesday, to help battle global warming. The word spread. The next day half of the field at the Tour de France disappeared for two hours on their way to the Alps.
The British Open is held this weekend at Royal Turnberry Golf Club on the west coast of Scotland. Golfers must contend with cold weather, gusty winds, driving rain, high rough and the sea. To stay warm between shots John Daly plans to play golf.
Judge Sonia Sotomayor insisted under questioning by Senate Republicans Tuesday that she’ll strictly interpret the Constitution. So the liberals were right. If you interrogate someone with these techniques, they’ll tell you anything you want to hear.
Senator Dick Durbin defended Sonia Sotomayor Tuesday saying white males aren’t genetically sympathetic to minorities like her. However, everyone has warm feelings for Puerto Rico. Nine out of ten Americans will admit their first drink had rum in it.
The White House began running TV ads in states represented in the U.S. Senate by moderate Democrats Wednesday to pressure them into voting for the president’s health care plan. No one knows how much it would cost because the government can’t say no to anybody. Under national health care, John Wayne Bobbitt would get severance pay.
Dick Cheney was reported Monday to have organized a CIA death squad to kill al-Qaeda leaders. It makes sense. Ever since the U.S. Army was assigned to win the hearts and minds of the enemy, we’ve had to hire independent contractors to do the dirty work.
George W. Bush got a huge ovation before the All-Star Game in St. Louis Tuesday when his videotaped message was played. It’s no secret why. Who would have thought a year ago that four-dollar gasoline and an unnecessary war would be the good old days?
President Obama displayed an effeminate pitching form when he threw the first pitch at the All-Star Game. He held the baseball with three fingers and threw it with a relaxed wrist. The Liberace Museum just bid ten thousand dollars for that ball.
GOP Governor Mark Sanford went on vacation with his wife Jenny Wednesday. Just three weeks ago his infidelity was world news and now no one can remember his name. He’s the only Christian in South Carolina who can say he was saved by Michael Jackson.
Debbie Rowe was reported by the New York Post Tuesday to have sold her rights to Michael Jackson’s kids to his mother for four million dollars. She previously sold her rights to them for eight million and four million. Everyone wants granite counters in their kitchen and some people have a knack for finding a way to pay for it.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at email@example.com.
Published in The Messenger 7.17.09