Argus Hamilton 7.20.09

The Messenger 07.20.09
HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Neil Armstrong is hailed today on the anniversary of the moon landing. He’s from Ohio, just like the first man to orbit, John Glenn, and the first man to fly, Orville Wright, were from Ohio. It shows that no challenge is too great when a man is trying to get out of Ohio.
South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford took his wife, Jenny, on vacation Friday to try to make up. She gave him another chance after he confessed to adultery. She tried to trade him in under the new cash-for-clunkers program but they only take cars.
French tennis star Richard Gasquet convinced a tribunal he accidently ingested cocaine when he kissed a girl in a Miami nightclub. He said she had cocaine in her mouth when he kissed her. Only a Frenchman could open that Ziploc bag with his tongue.
Pope Benedict left the hospital Friday after he slipped and fell last week and broke his right wrist. That’s the hand he used to use to salute Adolf Hitler back when he was a youth in Germany. God’s got a way of making sure people don’t backslide.
President Obama backed off his August deadline for health care reform passage Friday after Southern Democrats in the House and Senate balked over how to pay the trillion dollar price tag. They know something about laying off costs on future generations. Their grandparents left each one of them a trunkful of Confederate bonds.
Hillary Clinton was reported Friday to be unhappy over the way the White House is reining her in. She feels her opinions as Secretary of State are being ignored. She’s used to being locked out of the Oval Office but not for more than an hour at a time.
The Pentagon assured U.S. soldiers Wednesday that it won’t ban smoking in war zones. Nicotine withdrawal is the most agonzing experience known to man. The only thing that could make it worse is if you are holding a machine gun while you’re going through it.
San Diego’s beaches were awash with dead giant squid Friday which washed up on Pacific Beach. They attacked local divers and were immediately sorry. The next day homeless shelters in San Diego featured a soup line, a bread line and a calamari line.
McDonald’s marked the 30th annniversary of the Happy Meal Friday when the chain began giving out toys with every kid’s meal. So that’s it. We might not need universal health care today if broccoli came with a free toy and french fries didn’t.
Dr. Regina Benjamin was named Surgeon General Thursday, prompting criticism over her weight. Do-gooders complained that a surgeon general shouldn’t be obese. Democrats believe that if you’re not thin, green and miserable, you’re just a selfish Republican.
The Centers for Disease Control said Friday American obesity varies by race. Thirty percent of Hispanics are obese, 36 percent of blacks are obese and 24 percent of whites are obese. The obvious explanation is that beans are cooked in lard, greens are cooked in bacon grease, and Scotch contains zero grams of trans fat.
L.A. cops said they’re probing Michael Jackson’s death as a crime. He was taking hospital anesthesia through an IV drip in his rented Bel-Air home. He had to look in the white pages under von Frankenstein to find a castle with a working operating room.
Episcopal Church bishops voted Wednesday to allow for the blessing of same-sex unions. The bishops always cave in to political pressure. They’ve been blessing the union of adulterers ever since they found out it’s a condition of being Senate chaplain.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at the Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.

Print