The Messenger 07.22.09
HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Tom Watson missed a putt on the final hole to lose the British Open Sunday. It hurts. Normally when a 60-year-old goes after something he’s too old to win he offers to pay its rent and lease it a car, but this time there were too many witnesses.
The White House welcomed Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin and Michael Collins on the moon landing’s 40th anniversary. Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin stepped onto the moon while Collins remained inside. In every group somebody has to play Ringo.
Michael Jackson’s family was reported Monday to be planning to make Neverland a West Coast version of Graceland. Elvis only made it to 42, while Jackson made it to 50. This is evidence you should never mix sleeping pills with fried peanut butter.
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince set box office records Sunday. American kids love the battle between good and evil with the British starring as good. Could multi-culturalism be the next huge star from the ’70s and ’80s to die?
San Francisco was the scene of a commuter train crash Saturday, spilling people and rail cars onto the roadbed. It’s the fifth commuter rail crash in the last year in America. We are now tied with Iran for the most number of deaths due to Twittering.
President Obama is described by his Secret Service agents as a constant smoker in a new book released Monday. Our last three presidents have included a womanizer, a smoker and a drinker. It just shows that it takes three presidents to replace Lyndon Johnson.
President Obama holds a primetime press conference tonight to keep promoting his health care reform proposal. He has got to stop calling for more sacrifices. Goats are becoming endangered as Americans try everything to appease the god of jobs.
The Pentagon added thousands of troops for deployment overseas Monday. They’re having a hard time finding enough soldiers to send to Afghanistan. Every time one of them asks to see the president’s birth certificate, they have to cancel his orders.
Sen. Ted Kennedy admitted Monday that health care reform will lead to health care rationing. His declaration may be the last nail in the box for health care reform. Everyone is shocked to learn that the latest treatment for brain tumors is truth serum.
Jimmy Carter left the Southern Baptist Church over its refusal to ordain women and its teaching that women must be subservient to their husbands. Now he belongs to no church at all. The similarities between Barack Obama and Jimmy Carter get scarier every day.
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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at the Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.