The Messenger 07.23.09
HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Jupiter was hit by an asteroid the size of Earth Tuesday, leaving a huge crater in the planet’s polar surface. The hole spread rapidly. Al Gore’s head is spinning trying to figure out just how a planet can be destroyed without any Republicans on it.
Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger preserved La Jolla Cove for beached seals Tuesday. The day before, a horde of squid washed up ashore at nearby Pacific Beach. The idea is to make people so disgusted with sea life that they’ll support offshore oil drilling.
The Justice Department ended its LAPD consent decree Monday, which began with the Rodney King beating. He’s sober now. Of all the people who stand up in AA meetings and describe the damage their drinking caused, he’s the only one with network news footage.
The U.S. Senate delayed Sonia Sotomayor’s Supreme Court nomination debate for one week on Monday. Republicans are balking. They didn’t believe her when she said she would follow the Constitution, apply the law and return Dred Scott to his owner in Missouri.
Southern Democrats resisted parts of the health care bill Tuesday, fearing it will kill private health insurance, socialize medicine, deny expensive treatments and bankrupt the Treasury. The Republicans have a health care plan of their own. They want to train the starters at golf courses to recognize the early signs of skin cancer.
President Obama held yet another primetime press conference at the White House Wednesday, where he pushed for his health care proposal. The polls don’t look good for the measure. It is dying the death of a dog, only this time Michael Vick has an alibi.
President Obama ordered the Secret Service Tuesday to grant continued protection to Dick Cheney. If the president had refused, the former vice president would have been all right. Everybody who’d like to kill Dick Cheney lives in a state with a handgun ban.
Dick Cheney signed a two million dollar book deal Tuesday to write his memoirs, which will be out in two years. It will be a huge best-seller. Eight long years of Harry Potter propaganda has built up a natural curiosity to hear Lord Voldemort’s side of the story.
President Obama’s approval fell to 55 percent in the Gallup Poll. His predecessor’s rating was 56 percent at this point. He’s fallen below President Bush’s mark at six months in office and he hasn’t even invaded the wrong country yet.
ESPN star Erin Andrews was videotaped nude in her hotel room by voyeurs Monday who posted it online and got millions of hits. It was a lesson learned. She’ll never get out of a shower again unless she’s wearing a golf cap with a sponsor’s logo on it.
Walter Cronkite’s funeral is held today at New York’s St. Bartholomew’s Episcopal Church. They hold a champagne and ice cream reception every Sunday after church. God is depicted in a painting on the church ceiling wearing a tuxedo and carrying a tray.
Jimmy Carter left the Southern Baptist Church at age 84 Sunday. It is the dominant church down South. For 200 years, Southern Baptists have tried to convert everyone in the country, or as they call it, universal fire insurance.
Congress discontinued using incandescent light bulbs in the U.S. Capitol Monday in favor of those energy-saving squiggly fluorescent bulbs. When these light bulbs get smashed in trash bins, it’s like an explosion in science class. The bulbs leak so much mercury into the ground water that doctors can now take your temperature with a trout.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at the Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.