Argus Hamilton 7.24.09

The Messenger 07.24.09
HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
President Obama hosted his fourth primetime press conference in six months Wednesday as he continued to try to rush health care through Congress. The strain is beginning to show. When Susan Boyle got this kind of exposure she cracked like an egg.
Pakistan passed a law Tuesday jailing anyone who tells a joke about Pakistan’s leader. It’s a first. President Obama likes the idea so much he’s demanding that Democrats attach it to the health care bill before they leave on their August recess.
Pittsburgh Steeler Ben Roethlisberger was sued by a Lake Tahoe hotel concierge Monday. She says he asked her up to his room to fix his TV and sexually assaulted her. If TV repair people would pull up their pants, this kind of thing wouldn’t happen.
Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke raised his unemployment forecast for the fall to ten percent Thursday. It’s especially bad in Los Angeles. People with jobs can’t enjoy it because people without jobs are still driving around tying up traffic.
Congress made preparations to go on vacation Tuesday and not return until Labor Day. That’s a holiday which honors workers. Laborious Day is a lesser known holiday which honors those who can’t stop holding White House press conferences.
President Obama blasted insurance and drug companies Wednesday while pushing his health care reform bill. His isn’t the only idea. The Republicans have a perfectly sensible health care plan of their own, it’s called Don’t Get Sick in the First Place.
The White House caused an uproar Wednesday by inviting the Congressional Budget Office director to the Oval Office. He’d said the president’s health care reform plan would increase health care costs. He left the White House on a stretcher after setting a new Guinness world record holding his breath underwater for 14 minutes.
The White House ordered cabinet departments to avoid holding their conventions in Las Vegas, Reno or Orlando. Better safe than sorry. The president doesn’t want any cabinet officials to be accidentally photographed at the pool with TARP recipients.
Senate Democrats nixed a measure permitting drivers to carry concealed weapons across state lines. Laws like this can make a real difference. For instance, abrupt lane changes has replaced heart disease as the number-one cause of death in California.
Surgeon General Regina Benjamin’s appointment was criticized because she is overweight. Critics say she’s a poor choice as the nation’s chief health officer during an obesity epidemic. It’s like naming Michael Jackson’s doctor to be Sleep Czar.
Michael Jackson’s doctor’s clinic in Houston was raided by the DEA and the Los Angeles police Wednesday. It was shrewd of the pop star to select a doctor in Texas. Any region that lives and dies on something as volatile as oil prices and college football isn’t going to notice a little anesthesia missing from the hospital pharmacy.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at the Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.

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