Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
President Obama called a cop stupid for arresting a black professor. All three are now furious. The president invited them to the White House to discuss it over a beer, demonstrating that quality mental health care can be had for a dollar a bottle.
Chinese scientists succeeded Tuesday in growing healthy living mice from mouse skin cells. It’s a step toward human cloning and designer babies. Joe Jackson just raided Michael Jackson’s plastic surgeon’s office to see if he has any of his old noses.
Governor Ed Rendell was named a sex client by Eliot Spitzer’s New York madam Friday. People are losing count. Hugh Hefner just renamed the Playboy Mansion the Governor’s Mansion because he thinks that it’s a stronger brand in the sex business.
Washington state police found two hundred thousand marijuana plants in a forest Friday. It shouldn’t have taken them so long to find them. They should have known pot was growing nearby when a roadside mini-mart was hit for the fourth time by bears.
California decided to charge drivers twenty-five cents a mile to travel in the left freeway lane in two years. Liberals went to court to stop it. They believe it starts with a Lexus lane and in no time at all the House of Lords is back in business.
The Labor Department raised the minimum wage to seven dollars and twenty five cents per hour. Not bad at all. It leaves you with two hundred ninety dollars at the end of every week, which is three hundred dollars richer than the state of California.
President Obama’s job approval fell again Friday as health care reform fizzled before Congress’s August recess. The lawmakers smell blood. Half of them are going to go on vacation to Iowa while the other half are going on vacation to New Hampshire.
House Democrats refused to give GOP members free mailing privileges Thursday unless they stop calling health care reform government-run health care in their mailers. Democrats vow to pass the bill no matter what. The final bill will take Yellowstone National Park and name it Health Care Reform and that’ll be the end of it.
The NRA opposed Sonia Sotomayor’s Supreme Court nomination Friday. However, she was able to win the U.S. Chamber of Commerce’s endorsement. It’s been a liberal dream in this nation for four hundred years to drive a wedge between the guns and the money.
Bernie Madoff was transported to federal prison in North Carolina Monday where he was put to work in the printing and engraving shop. Already he’s old news. Bernie Madoff swindled people out of fifty billion dollars back when that was a lot of money.
Pittsburgh Steeler Ben Roeth-lisberger denied a sexual assault claim brought by a Tahoe casino hostess against him. She’s angry over how her complaint has been handled. It’s just not right for local police to fine him fifteen yards for piling on.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 7.27.09

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