Argus Hamilton 8.4.09
Posted: Tuesday, August 4, 2009 8:01 pm
HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Treasury Department said Friday the budget deficit may be even higher than forecast. It’s no surprise. This spring the president invited the Ohio police and the Cincinnati Bengals to the White House for a beer summit, and he left the tab open.
The Cash for Clunkers program was voted added funding by Congress Friday. They understand the importance of gas mileage. Congressmen have to drive their own cars because cab drivers refuse to pick up people who are statistically likely to rob them.
Michigan cops arrested a Monopoly player Tuesday who busted a beer bottle over the head of a pal who refused to sell him Boardwalk and Park Place. How sad. This was once the nicest place on the board and now the methamphetamine crowd is moving in.
The Pentagon released a photo of Air Force One flying just a few feet over the Statue of Liberty in April, panicking New Yorkers. The photograph looks silly. Lady Liberty looks like she’s at the Kentucky Derby wearing one of those terrible hats.
Michael Jackson’s chef Kai Chase sold the tabloids her account of the final hour of his life. He died weighing 112 pounds. The chef decided to sell her memoir after the coroner advised her not to try selling a cookbook.
Las Vegas police captured a tiger from a Las Vegas magic show that escaped its owner’s house Friday. The neighbors don’t mind the big cat living there. It’s the one neighborhood west of the Mississippi where the joggers aren’t bothered by coyotes.
President Obama held a weekend cabinet retreat at Blair House in Washington D.C. last weekend. They need to do better. There are twelve members of the cabinet and none of them have been answering the buzzer fast enough when their czars call for them.
President Obama’s approval among whites plummeted after he said the cops acted stupidly in arresting Professor Gates. His entire agenda could fall. To make up for it his next appointee to the Supreme Court will have to be Detective Mark Fuhrman.
President Obama spoke at George Mason University in Virginia Monday. It’s named after the Founding Father who said the U.S. Constitution would lead to dictatorship someday. He had the same problem they have on Wall Street, you can be right too early.
The GOP National Committee had a convention in San Diego over the weekend. They denounced health care reform as socialism and blasted czars as abuse of power. They believe that the Democrats have drifted so far to the left that in the next “Star Trek” movie, the Starship Enterprise will be re-christened the Starship Shared Responsibility.
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said Friday that the private health insurance industry is evil. She said the glory days of the health insurance industry are over. Nancy Pelosi could go down in history as the first woman Speaker to be buried in the Kremlin.
The Original Watergate Interviews air tonight starring David Frost and Richard Nixon. They first aired 32 years ago. The interviews were made into a Tony-winning Broadway play and an Oscar-nominated movie, making the Nixon presidency the third most decorated comedy in history, after Young Frankenstein and Springtime for Hitler.
Professor Henry Louis Gates sent flowers to the woman next door who called the cops on him thinking he was breaking into his house. She’s had the media camped out on her lawn for a week and she’s had to hire a lawyer to handle all the interview requests. Now the only people who will call the cops on a crime in progress are Liza Minnelli and authors who need airtime to promote their new books.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at email@example.com.
Published in The Messenger 8.4.09