Argus Hamilton 8.5.09

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
House Democrats faced near-riots at town hall meetings in their home districts Monday. Their constituents were venting their rage against the health care reform bill. Kaiser could have warned the government that being an HMO makes people hate you.
The Cash for Clunkers program was voted another two billion from Congress on Friday but many auto dealers decided to stop participating. You can’t fool these guys. They ran a Carfax report on the Cash for Clunkers program and found out it’s a total wreck.
Rush Limbaugh warned Monday that public health care will lead to rationed care for the elderly. At least it’s a federal program. Seniors know from long experience that they’ll die of old age before the government ever gets around to euthanizing them.
The World Swimming Championship aired live in Rome on NBC Sunday. The swimmers smashed all world records wearing that controversial polyurethane body suit. The next day 50 Major League ballplayers were caught wearing them under their uniforms.
Cleveland Browns coach Eric Mangini said Sunday he will not sign Michael Vick to play this fall. Their end zone fans are called the Dog Pound. They’re worried he might leap into the stands after scoring a touchdown and start arranging fanfights.
Hugh Hefner sold the Holmby Hills home next door to the Playboy Mansion Sunday for $18 million. Both backyards border the 13th hole at the Los Angeles Country Club. It never cost a golfer two strokes because nothing’s out of bounds there.

Ryan O’Neal told Vanity Fair Monday he didn’t recognize his own daughter Tatum at Farrah’s funeral and hit on her. He actually tried to pick her up. It turns out the reason he banned his son Griffin from the funeral is because he doesn’t go for men.

The Postal Service asked Congress Monday for permission to close 1,000 post offices and cut Saturday delivery. The more demand goes down, the more they raise their prices. No one can be appointed Postmaster General without a business degree from Clown College in Sarasota.

The White House was reported Monday to be considering moving the terrorist detainees from Guantanamo to Leavenworth prison. The terrain works for the guards. In Kansas you can stand on the front porch and watch your dog running away for a long, long time.
Mexico was rocked by a seven-point earthquake in Baja California on Monday. It centered on the east coast of Baja. The temblor and its aftershocks swelled tides and swayed buildings and made everybody homesick for their old jobs up in Los Angeles.
Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner caused an uproar on Sunday when he hinted that middle class tax hikes may be necessary to pay for health care reform. The roof fell in. So many people are angry at President Obama that the White House is tearing out the vegetable garden and putting in a beer garden just to accommodate all the apology summits.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 8.5.09

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