Argus Hamilton 8.7.09

LA JOLLA — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Bill Clinton got two young American women released in North Korea. The families got the news first. Mixed emotion is hearing that your daughter’s been pardoned from a North Korean prison term and she will be flying home with Bill Clinton.
North Korea gave American journalists Euna Lee and Laura Ling a special pardon Tuesday and sent them home to California. It will be a huge adjustment for them. In North Korea they’d been sentenced to hard labor and in California there is no work.
Kevin Costner’s Canada concert was marred when a storm blew the awning onto the crowd. One fan went to the hospital in Manitoba. He drew number 10,605 at the admissions desk, where the sign read Now Serving Number 12.
Ryan O’Neal said Monday he didn’t recognize his own daughter, Tatum, at Farrah’s funeral and tried to pick her up in the sanctuary. He asked her out as the casket went past. In America, we’ve got three words for a guy like that, Governor Ryan O’Neal.
The White House released a study showing that texting while driving is dangerous. That doesn’t mean they’re against it. Texting while driving’s a bad idea unless you need to save money on health care and you are driving a busload of seniors.
Washington University re-searchers said depression is now affecting some kids at the age of three. It’s so true. That’s the age children are told if they don’t do their pre-school homework, they are never going to get a job in this economy.
The White House reported a historic plunge in tax revenue. This puts a crimp in all the grand plans. Revenues are so low the only health care reform the country can afford is an executive order directing Americans to jog and eat broccoli.
The Transportation Department announced it will hold a safety conference to discuss the dangers of texting while driving. It’s actually safer to text and drive in Los Angeles. The number of drivers killed while texting is half the number who would’ve died from freeway shootings if the driver’s hands had been free to draw.
Hillary Clinton was in Kenya Tuesday when her husband Bill got the call to fly to North Korea and rescue two female journalists. Every general on the continent of Africa wants to meet her in person. Her wedding ring is the original conflict diamond.
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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 8.7.09

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