Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Bill Clinton negotiated the release of the two imprisoned young American women reporters from North Korea Tuesday. They flew to Burbank Airport. After the plane landed safely Al Gore negotiated the release of the two young women from Bill Clinton.
North Korea’s government stated Wednesday that Bill Clinton apologized for the hostile acts committed by the two American women after illegally intruding into the country. The White House is furious. Apologizing for America is President Obama’s job.
North Korea’s Kim Jong-Il posed for pictures onstage with Bill Clinton Tuesday before releasing the Americans. It could rescue North Korea’s economy. The Nixon Library sells more pictures of Nixon with Elvis than anything else in their gift shop.
Notre Dame’s former coach Lou Holtz said Tuesday he may run for U.S. Congress from Florida. Just last year he had to apologize for comments he made on ESPN’s College Game Day praising Hitler as a great leader. He meant to say it on the Fox News Channel.
Sports Medicine Institute said Friday cheerleading is the most dangerous sport in America. You can break your neck. CBS and NBC and ABC reporters were covering President Obama Wednesday when the NBC News reporter fell off the top of the triangle.
Paula Abdul ended her eight-year run as a judge on American Idol Tuesday. It was devastating for the nation’s pharmaceutical industry. With her departure plus the death of Michael Jackson, they’ve lost their weekly free ad and their biggest customer.
California was ordered by a three-judge panel to reduce its prison population by forty-three thousand inmates Wednesday. The order was long overdue. If Charles Manson has to stay in jail for one more summer he could explode like a can of peaches.
California Attorney General Jerry Brown proposed a thirteen percent flat tax to fix the U.S. economy. He has his motives. It will really help California tourism when every woman in the state gets breast implants to avoid paying a flat tax.
Goldman Sachs traders were told by their boss in New York Monday to keep a low profile and avoid flashing their huge bonuses around town. There’s no reason to rub it in. Last week the former chairman of Lehman Brothers approached the chairman of Goldman Sachs at Tavern on the Green and asked if he’d like to hear today’s specials.
House Democrats faced more angry protests at town hall meetings Wednesday from health care opponents. The congressmen are very upset. They just found out their congressional health care plan has a thousand-dollar deductible for pitchfork wounds.
The White House asked U.S. citizens to pass along fishy rumors about health care reform Wednesday. The divide is huge. Democrats feel that private health insurance is overpriced and compassionless and delay-ridden, and they want everybody to have it.
Hillary Clinton said her husband’s meetings in North Korea will have no effect on her hardline policies in North Korea. His rescue upstaged her Africa trip and undercut her North Korea policy. No one wants to say she’s furious, but President Obama just invited Bill and Hillary to have a beer with him on the White House lawn.
The Pentagon ordered an internal review Tuesday over whether Defense Department employee use of Facebook or Twitter poses a security risk to America. They’re worried that Twittering could reveal the location and movement of U.S. troops. Like Google Earth doesn’t reveal all the areas where people have suddenly showed up with plumbing.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 8.10.09

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