By: Argus Hamilton
HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Alex Rodriguez refused the New York Yankees’ offer of one hundred fifty million dollars Sunday. It gives you an idea of how much people hate New York. Hillary Clinton and Rudy Giuliani are running for the presidency just to get out of the city.
Las Vegas prosecutors cut a deal Monday with the third armed robbery defendant in the O.J. Simpson case. He’s not worried. There are three people who will say O.J. is guilty and that’s three hundred million less than said he was guilty last time.
The New York Giants played the Miami Dolphins in London’s Wembley Stadium last Sunday. It was an education. The players’ agents wanted the players to see the big, safe bank buildings where their money goes when they deposit it in the Cayman Islands.
Southern California officials said the brushfires in Malibu and Lake Arrowhead will be contained by Friday. Everyone’s very calm now. The victims in Malibu aren’t worried about finding shelter because they have second homes in Lake Arrowhead.
Mitt Romney ripped Hillary Clinton Monday, saying America doesn’t need an intern president. He’s one confused candidate. Last week he talked about Barack Obama and called him Osama bin Laden and now he’s referring to Hillary Clinton as Monica Lewinsky.
Paris Hilton was forced to postpone her mission of mercy to Rwanda Tuesday. It was a women’s health outreach. When the word got out that Paris Hilton was going to counsel African women on sexually responsible behavior, Bono put a stop to the trip.
Laura Bush agreed to wear a head covering in Saudi Arabia during her trip last week. It wasn’t her first time. She had to wear a head scarf in the presence of the king thirty years ago when she asked for permission to marry into the Bush family.
Arnold Schwarzenegger told an interviewer Monday that marijuana wasn’t a drug but a leaf. He’s admitted to smoking a little pot in the Seventies, but that was all. It took him years to live down the label of lightweight from his fellow Baby Boomers.
Hillary Clinton led a poll Monday of which presidential candidate would make the scariest Halloween costume, and Rudy Giuliani finished a distant second. Rudy tries to scare the voters every day about terrorist threats, yet Hillary is still considered scarier. That’s how much the American people are afraid of tax increases.
French President Nicolas Sarkozy stormed off CBS’ 60 Minutes Sunday when Leslie Stahl asked about his love life. Surely he didn’t expect questions about currency valuation on 60 Minutes. Most Americans think the Euro is Rudy Giuliani’s surgeon.
Senator James Inhofe of Oklahoma gave a speech in the Senate last week quoting dozens of scientists who don’t agree that man-made global warming is a problem. It may not be man-made but it is happening. The Antarctic is melting so fast that in their next movie, the penguins’ mating ritual will include small talk in the hot tub.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Published in The Messenger 11.01.07