Argus Hamilton
Posted: Thursday, August 13, 2009 8:01 pm
By: Argus Hamilton
HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody? President Obama touted health care reform Tuesday to a very friendly town hall meeting in New Hampshire. The support looked a little staged. You knew they were an audience of plants when he threw fertilizer on them and all they did was get taller. General Motors unveiled its new electric Chevy Volt Tuesday which will get two hundred thirty miles per gallon of gas in the city. You can’t take those numbers very seriously. The way the country is going downhill the car pretty much just glides. Reggie Miller was told publicly to stop texting a Malibu man’s wife Monday. The Internet lets people cheat from their laptops, their phones, their desks or their car. The only reason anyone in the country gets married at all is for the free dishes. Hillary Clinton erupted in the Congo when asked what her husband thought about an issue. Her anger is real. She’s in the Congo while her husband’s in Las Vegas celebrating his birthday by negotiating the release of two young women from their escort service. The U.S. Forest Service announced that advertising legend Smokey the Bear turned sixty-five years old Monday. That means it’s time for him to find another line of work. Medicare will never be solvent if it has to cover skin grafts for burn victims. The Border Patrol caught two dozen illegal aliens who landed at a La Jolla beach Monday. The migrants all had terrible bite wounds on their shoulders. They’d been told that to blend into the La Jolla crowd they had to wear alligators on their shirts. Trammo Petroleum admitted buying oil stolen from Mexico by drug cartels Monday. They’ve started to smuggle oil, guns and immigrants. The cartels make most of their money on cocaine sales, but after the crash last fall they thought it was best to diversify. California farmers protested a law that cut off their water to save a two-inch fish. They grow lettuce, celery and broccoli. The voters are not going to stand by and let the environmentalists do to supermodels what they did to the auto industry. Madame Tussauds opened a wax museum in Hollywood which drew thousands of fans last week. The exhibits are incredibly lifelike. One visitor tried to buy crack from Snoop Dogg’s statue and was shot and killed by the wax likeness of James Arness. Russia began a health campaign Monday when alcohol and tobacco abuse were shown to have caused a population decline. It’s much needed. A TV news report showed men swimming in the Moscow River while holding a drink and smoking a cigarette, an event they call the triathlon. Senator Arlen Specter was upbraided by an angry Pennsylvania town hall meeting Tuesday. He backs the health care reform bill. He knew it was going to be a tough crowd when he opened by announcing his cancer is in remission and got booed off the stage. Democratic Congressman John Dingell likened opponents of health care reform to Ku Klux Klansmen Sunday just days after House Speaker Nancy Pelosi compared health care reform opponents to Nazis. The chaos is sure to get progressively worse. Everyone who’s called a Nazi or Klansman has to go to the White House for a free beer. Variety said Monday the porno industry is in a deep recession. The DVDs aren’t selling. No matter how kinky they get, they can’t compete with a hundred people at a town hall meeting pinning a congressman to the wall and coming at him with a hot poker. Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 8.13.09
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Argus Hamilton
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