Argus Hamilton
Posted: Monday, August 17, 2009 3:35 pm
By: Argus Hamilton
HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how’s everybody? President Obama pushed health care reform at a town hall in Montana Friday. He demonized insurance companies fifty-five times in one hour. Halfway through the event he displayed an obviously-doctored photo of Osama bin Laden disallowing a claim. The Philadelphia Eagles stunned fans on Thursday by signing Michael Vick. Most fans think he’s paid his price. Last year he was the only American who lost his job, his house and a hundred million dollars without the aid of an investment adviser. Woodstock hosted its fortieth anniversary concert on Saturday. The original concert symbolized the Sixties. Four hundred thousand hippies celebrated the spirit of peace and love and brotherhood, or as it’s known today, the pre-9/11 mentality. Bill Clinton spoke at a bloggers convention in Pittsburgh Thursday. He said he wants Obama to pass health care reform, but he wouldn’t have passed a lie detector test. You know Henry Aaron wasn’t really rooting for Barry Bonds to break his record. Michael Phelps wasn’t injured Friday when his Cadillac Escalade was struck by a woman driving a Honda Accord. She’s hospitalized. It just shows President Obama that you don’t need as much health care if you drive a big, safe, gas-guzzling vehicle. California Attorney General Jerry Brown settled a lawsuit against Astroturf on Friday. Environmentalists filed suit when they found lead in the artificial turf. That’s just the bullet casings from the town hall meetings, it’s not Astroturf’s fault. John Edwards privately admitted fathering a baby born to his campaign staffer. He informed reporters he waited until his wife’s cancer was in remission before he began the affair. He wants to see how his jokes work down here before he tries them on St. Peter. Squeaky Fromme was released from prison Friday, thirty years after she tried to shoot President Ford. It’s a conspiracy. As soon as Barack Obama’s job approval began tanking they released Squeaky Fromme and sent the president out to a state with loose gun laws. Geico became the fourth TV sponsor to exit the Glenn Beck Show under pressure from a black activist group who’s angry at him for criticizing President Obama. The group is called Color of Change. It’s an organization that was founded to aid victims of Hurricane Katrina and now they spend all their time flooding people with complaints. The IOC executive board approved golf and rugby Thursday as new sports for the Summer Games in London. Both sports are great on television. One sport is vicious, brutal, merciless and unforgiving, while the other is England’s version of football. California firefighters were aided Friday by a thick fog that moved into the Santa Cruz Mountains, but new fires broke out north of Santa Barbara. The firefighters are rotated three times a day. That way they don’t get too brown on one side. Russian officials refused calls to tax alcohol on Friday after a health report said Russia is drinking itself to death. A quart of vodka costs just two dollars in Moscow. The only way they can save their economy is to entice Americans into moving there. Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com. Published in the Messenger 8.17.09
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Argus Hamilton
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