Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The White House called for calmer debate at town hall meetings Friday. All the screaming and violence is riveting to see. The producers of Ultimate Fighting just announced that from now on, each match is going to feature a question-and-answer round.
Michael Vick signed with the Philadelphia Eagles Thursday and assured football fans that he’s a changed man. Let the healing begin. President Obama just invited Michael Vick to come to the White House Friday to have a beer with him and a pit bull.
The Philadelphia Eagles defied protesters Thursday by agreeing to sign Michael Vick to a contract, telling reporters he paid his debt to society. That really is the team’s policy. They just hired Squeaky Fromme to be their public address announcer.
Woodstock hosted its fortieth anniversary rock concert Saturday in upstate New York. Tens of thousands of the original concert-goers showed up. Halfway through the show the emcee had to warn the crowd not to take any of the brown antacid.
The White House sent unsolicited e-mail pushing health care reform. They won’t say where they got the addresses or why they were collecting them. It’s probably just a coincidence that everybody opposed to health care reform is on the no-fly list.
The U.S. Capitol web site crashed Friday due to the flood of e-mails over health care reform, so they couldn’t read them. There’s only so much electrical capacity. Never make these guys choose between reading constituent feedback and air conditioning.
Senator James Webb obtained the release of an American who’s been held captive in Burma for eighteen months. The treatment of the prisoner is a major issue. The Red Cross has agreed to check on him in six months to see if he’s found a job yet.
White House officials were welcomed in Michigan when they arrived to check out Standish prison as a possible destination for the terror detainees. It sits just outside Greater Detroit. As long as the detainees stay in the prison, they’ll be safe.
Senate Democrats dropped the end-of-life counseling provision in their version of the health care reform bill Thursday. How you decide to end your life is a very personal decision. You shouldn’t have some government bureaucrat put you in a fuel-efficient car, give you six errands to run and hand you a BlackBerry.
The Library of Congress canceled a lecture by former Abu Ghraib prison guard Lynndie England Saturday. She forced Iraqi prisoners to strip naked and kneel on top of one another in a pyramid formation. She was in Washington doing a little freelance work persuading Blue Dog Democrats to go along with the health care reform bill.
President Obama held a town hall meeting in Colorado on Saturday. He wanted to dispel misconceptions about health care reform. Euthanasia for seniors is a myth, but if that Portuguese Water Dog chews up one more pair of designer shoes, he is gone.
People for the Ethical treatment of Animals sent tons of toilet paper to Cuba Friday to help Cuba with its emergency shortage. The communist nation cannot supply its people’s most basic needs. And to think that just last month Castro assured Cuba that government toilet paper will not drive private toilet paper out of business.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 8.18.09

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