Posted: Wednesday, August 19, 2009 8:01 pm
By: Argus Hamilton
HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how’s everybody?
South Korea’s Y.E. Yang upset Tiger Woods to win the PGA Championship Sunday. He was very nervous in front of reporters afterwards. He saw what Americans did to Michael Vick, and if they ever see a Korean cooking show he might never get a sponsor.
South Korea erupted in a wild celebration Sunday when countryman Y.E. Yang upset Tiger Woods to win the PGA Championship at Hazeltine National. His victory made history. It’s the first time an Asian has captured a U.S. major since the Tet Offensive.
Senator Kay Bailey Hutchison said Monday she’ll run for Texas governor against incumbent governor Rick Perry. It was a financial decision. What you can get for four fifty-yard line seats at the OU-Texas game lets you live like the Emir of Kuwait.
Reader’s Digest filed for bankruptcy protection on Monday after eighty-seven years. Their format couldn’t compete with the Internet. It’s just impossible to condense a best-selling book to meet Twitter’s limit of a hundred and forty characters.
Wisconsin researchers advertised for cokeheads Tuesday to study the effects of cocaine on the brain. That’s easy. The high makes you feel all-powerful and the crash makes you feel like it might’ve been a big mistake to try to push health care through by August.
President Obama held cordial town hall meetings on health care reform over the weekend. There was one tense moment. In Montana he promised not to pull the plug on Grandma, prompting Grandpa to call his mistress and tell her that Niagara Falls is off.
President Obama addressed the Veterans of Foreign Wars convention which was held in Phoenix on Monday. He interrupted his vacation to make the speech. He praised all the veterans who defeated fascism and communism, and then he forgave them.
President Obama told the Veterans of Foreign Wars that true love of country is not boisterous or loud. He’s angry at the people who oppose the government takeover of health care. The Obama Doctrine states that any limit on federal power is racism.
The White House closed its e-mail account which sent unsolicited e-mails to U.S. voters. They tried to shut down viral e-mails critical of health care reform but it backfired on them. Their plan to kill Rush Limbaugh with an exploding cigar failed too.
President Obama hinted Sunday that the public option may be taken off the table in the health care bill. The left went ballistic. They were so angry at Obama that sixty of them were mistaken for Republicans and beaten to a pulp by Acorn volunteers.
The White House said Monday the administration may back away from a government health care plan and go to a system of private co-ops. The government wouldn’t be involved at all. Everyone agrees that President Obama needs to spend more time with his family.
Regis Philbin returns to host ABC’s Who Wants to Be a Millionaire this week for the show’s tenth anniversary on the air. It’s not nearly as popular as it once was. That scene at the end where the new millionaire is surrounded by Acorn protesters and ordered to pay back the bonus really takes a lot of the fun out of the fantasy.
ABC’s Dancing with the Stars said Monday former GOP leader Tom DeLay will dance on the show this fall. He started out in life as a pest exterminator. In his audition tape Tom DeLay stomped on cockroaches to the tune of Dixie and the producers thought it’s the best thing they’ve seen since Gene Kelly danced with a cartoon mouse.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at email@example.com.
Published in The Messenger 8.19.09