argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The White House hedged on the public health insurance option Tuesday, angering liberals. They’re sticking to their talking points. When Brett Favre announced he’s coming back, they said he’s just another rich white guy standing in the way of change.
Brett Favre flew from Mississippi to Minnesota Tuesday to sign to play for the Vikings. He’s forty-two and he’s coming back for more. The main reason the U.S. has military bases all over the world is because Southerners would rather fight than farm.
Michael Phelps admitted Thursday he had a beer before last week’s car wreck in Baltimore. He already had one DUI. Not many know the reason Michael Phelps began swimming is that diving into a cold swimming pool sobers you up before the drive home.
House Democrats rebelled against the president on health care Tuesday. Seniors are rebelling, conservatives are rebelling and liberals are rebelling. The Rebel flag knew that if it just sat quietly it would eventually be let out of the dog house.
President Obama spoke in Scottsdale Monday where gun rights advocates protested outside carrying semi-automatic rifles. It’s legal to carry machine guns anywhere in Arizona. It’s why coyotes go through Colorado to get from New Mexico to California.
Hillary Clinton persuaded the Swiss government to pressure UBS Bank to give up the names of U.S. depositors. She was ordered to go after shady operators who push the envelope of the law. After much soul searching, she decided not to resign over it.
Walter Cronkite will be honored in a tribute at New York City’s Lincoln Center in September headlined by Barack Obama and Bill Clinton. The one-upmanship will be something to see. Barack Obama will say that health care reform would have saved his life and then Bill Clinton will use his old magic to bring him back from the dead.
The White House plans to take up immigration reform Thursday. It’s the natural conclusion to the bailouts, deficit spending and wrecked economy. You can’t be officially certified as a banana republic unless half your population speaks Spanish.
General Motors increased production Tuesday after a huge increase in car sales this month. There was jubilation in the board room when they got the news. The GM chairman is so accustomed to hearing bad news that he shot the messenger out of habit.
Miami hacker Albert Gonzalez was charged Monday with stealing credit card data from one hundred thirty million credit cards. He’s very sorry he did it. Now that he’s got a hundred and thirty million credit card numbers, the collection calls never stop.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 8.20.09

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