Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD--God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The NFL issued stadium drinking rules Friday limiting fans to two twenty-ounce beers, or two six-ounce glasses of wine, or two shots of hard liquor. This is outrageous. Health care reform hasn’t even been passed yet and already it’s led to rationing.
The Treasury Department said Friday ninety percent of all U.S. currency has cocaine on the bills. What an eye-opener. It came as a surprise to Americans that even if they don’t travel very much, their cash has been to Colombia and back three times.
Hawaii protesters demanded independence from the U.S. Monday, claiming they were victims of imperialism. It’s trouble. By the time President Obama gets back from his vacation he could be retroactively ineligible to be president of the United States.
President Obama issued a video Friday wishing the Muslim world a happy Ramadan holiday. It’s a tricky task for this president. Nobody minded when President Bush sent Ramadan greetings to the Muslim world because everybody knew he was just being condescending.
President Obama flew to Martha’s Vineyard for one week Sunday. It’s a vacation retreat off the coast of Massachusetts. He had the Secret Service unlock the door of the rental house just to make sure none of the neighbors called the cops to report a break-in.
Senator Tom Coburn told a town hall Friday he will do all he can to defeat the health care reform bill. He’s a physician in Muskogee. He refuses to wait six months to be paid reimbursements by the government — he’s a doctor, not a car dealer.
The Cash for Clunkers program ends tonight with GM and Ford reporting huge car sales, plus thousands of old cars have been scrapped. The program was a success. In just two weeks it has taken more guzzlers off the road than court-ordered AA meetings.
The Weather Channel showed satellite images of Hurricane Bill in the Atlantic Friday heading toward Bermuda. Democrats should stop worrying that Obama’s power is declining. He’s still got enough juice to make the hurricanes hit the tax shelters.
Hillary and Bill Clinton flew to Bermuda for vacation Friday as Hurricane Bill loomed. They were able to pack light when they saw a hurricane was bearing down on the island. Usually when they go on vacation together they bring their own turbulence.
Master of War by Suzanne Simons was just released about Blackwater Security founder Erik Prince. His mercenaries were accused of brutalizing Iraqis. He’s one of only four men ordered to leave Iraq, the other three being Saddam Hussein and his two sons.
The White House canceled a Bush-era CIA program to hire Blackwater mercenaries to hunt for Osama bin Laden Thursday, then leaked that Blackwater CEO Erik Prince made seven hundred million dollars last year. The guy is underpaid. How much would you charge to take the heat for the U.S. government and keep Dick Cheney out of the Hague?
Scotland released the Libyan who bombed a Pan Am flight Thursday. He was dying of prostate cancer so they let him go. The next day Charles Manson walked through San Quentin Prison with a rubber glove in his hand trying to get someone to check him.
Scotland released the airline bomber over White House protest Thursday because he has cancer. They wouldn’t extradite him to the U.S. Because of the terrorist’s advanced age, he never would’ve survived the death panel if health care reform passes.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 8.24.09

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