Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how’s everybody?
President Obama didn’t record a congratulatory greeting for the Dallas Cowboys Stadium opening Friday in Dallas. How wise. The stadium has the world’s largest TV hanging over the field, and there isn’t a Secret Service agent who can jump that high.
Brett Favre got off to a rocky start with the Minnesota Vikings, completing one pass for four yards Friday. It’s no problem for the Vikings. Under Brett Favre’s contract, he gets his own trainer, he gets his own publicist, and he gets Sundays off.
Mexico decriminalized possession of marijuana, cocaine and heroin Friday. They say it’s to keep drug users from being extorted by corrupt police. The question of exactly where seventy million Baby Boomers are going to retire has just been answered.
Michigan citizens protested the idea of moving Guantanamo terrorist detainees to Standish prison in Michigan last week. The people are not interested in hearing about all the jobs that would be created. Nobody wants a job rebuilding office towers.
Michael Jackson’s interment at a Forest Lawn mausoleum today was delayed. What a circus. Michael Jackson touched millions worldwide, but the exact number will never be known due to the non-disclosure agreements between Jackson and his victims.
Martha’s Vineyard residents greeted President Obama upon his arrival Sunday. He gives the same speech wherever he lands. He apologized to the people of Martha for all the fertilizer that’s been thrown on them over the years by Vineyard-Americans.
President Obama arrived at Martha’s Vineyard Sunday with his family and Bo the Portuguese Water Dog. The dog is justifiably angry. During dinner Bo is not allowed to beg at the table but the guy from Chrysler shows up and he gets ten billion dollars.
President Obama was rumored Friday to be playing golf with Tiger Woods today in Martha’s Vineyard. They’ve played before. Tiger Woods asked the president for his handicap and the president said that those leftist bloggers won’t leave him alone.
Dick Cheney didn’t comment Friday on his role in the CIA’s hiring of Blackwater Security mercenaries to hunt down Osama bin Laden in Pakistan. He just signed a two million dollar deal to write his memoirs. Not surprisingly it’s a no-bid contract.
Homeland Security founder Tom Ridge accused Don Rumsfeld Thursday of trying to politicize terror alerts, one week after the nation learned about the fights between Bush and Cheney. The reason we invaded the wrong country is now clear. With everybody in the Bush administration pointing fingers, somebody must have followed the wrong one.
Chelsea Clinton was rumored Saturday to be getting married at Martha’s Vineyard to beau Marc Mezvinsky. His father’s career in politics ended when he was shown to be crooked. So it’s true what they say about women, they really do marry their fathers.
Hillary Clinton wrote an editorial for People magazine Saturday. She vowed to banish sexual violence from Congo. The reason the porn industry is in such a slump in Los Angeles is that the best paying jobs have been outsourced to third world countries.
Goldman Sachs hired a publicist to handle backlash against bonus payouts. They paid back the government the ten billion they took in bailout money, and now they’re paying their employees eleven billion in bonuses. It was act of genius when they shed the title of investment bankers and got approval to become an autoworkers union.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 8.25.09

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