Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Philadelphia Eagles are selling a dog jersey with Michael Vick’s number and name. It’s for owners who think it’s funny for dogs to wear a dog killer’s jersey. In another sign of the public mood, Dick Cheney’s approval rating doubled this month.
The White House took the responsibility for interrogating terrorists away from the CIA Monday to ensure there’s no torture. From now on, there’s no holding terrorists underwater until they talk or die. It’s just too traumatic for everybody else in the pool.
Ted Kennedy’s death Tuesday set off speculation over which Democrat will chair the Senate Health Committee. No one’s volunteering. Whoever takes the post must be eager to push health care reform and so far the bill has killed everyone it’s touched.
President Obama played golf with a few friends at Martha’s Vineyard Monday and Tuesday on his vacation. It’s good for him. A president carries the weight of the world on his shoulders, or the Dallas Cowboys new videoboard, whichever one’s heavier.
The NFL renewed its sponsorship of the Big Brothers of America on Monday. Role models make a difference. Michael Jackson used to sit alone and watch Elvis Presley movies while high on painkillers and Xanax, because that’s the way Elvis would have wanted it.
Michael Jackson’s death was ruled a homicide by the Los Angeles County coroner on Monday. It seems fitting that his death was every bit as weird as his life. He is survived by his parents, three children, four brothers, three sisters, six noses, a chimpanzee and five non-disclosure agreements.
Major League ballplayers won a federal court ruling Wednesday that they were illegally outed for using steroids. The consequences were foreseeable. Ten years ago Cheech and Chong got sober, after which none of their jokes made it past the third row.
Moammar Khadaffi made plans Tuesday to stay in New Jersey next month at Libya’s U.N. embassy house, where he’ll sleep on the lawn in a tent. The locals are up in arms. If one of those Predator drones misses and hits a Mafia house, it could set off a war.
The White House announced that Federal Reserve Board Chairman Ben Bernanke has been reappointed to a new seven-year term. There was no way they were going to fire him. If one more person applied for unemployment, the rate would hit 10 percent.
The Greek Orthodox Church in Bulgaria asked for a boycott of Madonna’s concert in Sofia this weekend. They accuse her of blasphemy. She’s a believer in Kaballah, which is a religion for celebrities whose publicists won’t let them be Scientologists.
South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford was asked by his lieutenant governor Tuesday to resign his office. It was a wrenching decision. Under South Carolina state law, should the governor leave office, the lieutenant governor becomes the American Gigolo.
Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger held an auction of state-seized cars Monday and autographed the visors to help sell them. His feelings were hurt when they only sold one vehicle. If people want to buy a car from a politician they’ll buy a Buick from President Obama.
The Democratic Party organized 500 public events between now and next week to muster support for government-run health care. Polls for it are collapsing. Ten years ago people thought nothing could repair the reputation of HMOs, but then some marketing genius had the bright idea of getting Barack Obama elected president.
———
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 8.28.09

Print