Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
American Family Radio hired ESPN’s Mike Gottlieb to host Christian radio’s first sports show. ESPN guys do nothing but tease the next segment. Listeners might get annoyed when he keeps saying that Jesus is coming, right after this important message.
Michael Vick played well in his first game as a Philadelphia Eagle Thursday. He’s paid his debt to society and he’s made arrangements to pay off his creditors. It’s the first time in history that two years in prison turned somebody into a Republican.
Michael Jackson was ruled to have died of acute intoxication Friday. He was on six powerful tranquilizers and a hospital anesthetic when he died. He didn’t need to compete at that level, he was already a shoo-in for the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
Governor Arnold Schwar-zenegger declared a state of emergency in California due to wildfires Friday. It makes a lot of things possible. A state of emergency in Los Angeles means that everybody with a screenplay gets a meeting with a studio executive.
President Obama received a lot of golf swing advice from club pros at Martha’s Vineyard Friday. He’s very wild off the tee. The island has four golf courses and President Obama never knows which one he’s going to play until he hits his first drive.
President Obama promised Thursday not to mention health care reform during Ted Kennedy’s funeral eulogy. How very wise. If Barack Obama can pull off the trick of not being associated with the Obama Administration it could save his political career.
Teddy Kennedy’s extended family gathered in Hyannis Port Friday at the Kennedy compound. Followers waited outside. When a puff of white smoke came out of the chimney it meant the College of Kennedys had elected Hugh Hefner their new patriarch.
Teddy Kennedy’s biographer Ed Klein added a weird touch to the eulogies Friday when he revealed that Ted loved Chappaquiddick jokes. It’s why comics loved Teddy. He promised Mary Jo Kopechne a second date but it’s taken him this long to call.
The Tea Party Express began a nationwide tour on Friday in an effort to muster public support for conservative issues. They’re going city to city protesting big government and high taxes. Three times already they’ve been mistaken for the PGA Tour.
Senator Jay Rockefeller proposed a bill Friday giving the president the power to seize control of private computer networks during a cyber-security emergency. The bill is a reaction to all those recent denial-of-service attacks. This means the president can declare an emergency anytime someone has to wait for a table at Denny’s.
The White House took over the interrogation of terrorist suspects Tuesday after allegations of CIA torture. Torturing people is bad for the national soul. It’s also very embarrassing for the torturer, especially on Take Your Daughter to Work Day.
Englewood Mayor Michael Wildes tried Friday to block Moammar Khadaffi from staying at the Libyan mission in his town in New Jersey. He said Khadaffi’s tent in the front yard would be a building code violation. Tents haven’t been seen in New Jersey since the Mafia tried to get gambling licenses by showing that they have Indian blood.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 8.31.09

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