Argus Hamilton

SCOTTSDALE — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Queen Elizabeth welcomed Saudi King Abdullah to Buckingham Palace Tuesday and rode with him in a gilded horse-drawn carriage. The reception was a message to the king. With oil at $94 a barrel you’ve got us all living like the Amish.
The Boston Red Sox held a World Series victory parade in Boston Tuesday. Their fans went wild. So much money is being spent on beer in Boston that Dick Cheney is seriously considering ditching the oil industry and getting in bed with Sam Adams.
Prince Harry was questioned by Scotland Yard Tuesday about the shooting of two rare hen harrier birds. The cops were very careful with him. There are only 20 breeding pair in all of England and no one wanted the incident to turn the prince gay.
San Francisco canceled its annual Halloween street party at the last minute on Tuesday for public safety reasons. Common sense prevailed at last. You can’t have a Halloween street party in San Francisco with the California National Guard in Iraq.
Alex Rodriguez was ripped Tuesday for breaking into World Series coverage with news he’s leaving the Yankees. It was a blatant display of hogging the spotlight to satisfy his ego. In other words, he passed his Los Angeles physical with flying colors.
“Nip/Tuck” premiered its fifth season Tuesday on the Fox Network, where this year the two plastic surgeons move their practice from Miami to Beverly Hills. Their business was down. Apparently Cubans are just too satisfied with the way God made them.
Albert Einstein finished fifth in the list of highest-earning dead celebrities compiled by Forbes Tuesday. It’s based on royalties. Albert Einstein trails Elvis but he could leap back to the top of the list if Iran starts producing nuclear bombs.
Dick Cheney went pheasant hunting in upstate New York on Monday. He is always gloomy this time of year. When Daylight Savings Time ends, it sets the Doomsday Clock back one hour and the vice president feels like he will never achieve his goals.
The State Department gave Blackwater Security contractors immunity Tuesday for killing civilians in Baghdad. There’s an explanation. The State Department believes that treating Iraqis like dogs must be taken in the context of America’s love of dogs.
The U.S. Navy destroyer Arleigh Burke rescued a North Korean merchant ship from ruthless pirates who had seized the boat off the African coast of Somalia Tuesday. This wasn’t the first time. Every year the North Koreans get lost on the way to Syria.
The Democratic candidates pledged Tuesday to keep Iran from getting a nuclear weapon. How can the United States prevent Iran from acquiring nuclear weapons if they really want to get them? We can’t even keep the kids away from Britney Spears.
Dennis Kucinich said in Tuesday’s debate he’s seen UFOs, right after he said it was time to check on President Bush’s mental health. It could all be true. Every week they pick up their lithium at the same pharmacy and act like they don’t know each other.
Jerry Ford recorded his deepest beliefs for a book called “Write It When I’m Gone,” which was published Monday. He revealed, in remarks he wanted published posthumously, that he thought Bill Clinton was a sex addict. Some guys are always the last to get the word.
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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 11.02.07

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