Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Teddy Kennedy was eulogized at his funeral mass in Boston Saturday. Two of his sons and the priest and the president gave moving speeches. Arnold Schwarzenegger was in attendance in case he was needed but they decided to put the casket on rollers.
Dallas Cowboys Stadium prompted an NFL rule change Friday. If a punt ricochets off the overhanging video board, the down is replayed and clock reset. If a player ricochets off the board he’ll be ejected for not bringing enough cocaine for everybody.
Teddy Kennedy was hailed Saturday for pioneering federal legislation to search for alternatives to animal testing. He didn’t like it at all. Scientists tested health care reform on two laboratory rats and they were both bankrupt within the hour.
Health Secretary Kathleen Sebelius said Friday she will use Ted Kennedy’s name to try to push health care reform legislation through the U.S. Congress. It’s only right. That way when the bill falls on its face everyone will think of dear old Teddy.
Governor Arnold Schwar-zenegger declared a state of emergency due to wildfires ringing Los Angeles Friday. The flames and smoke were everywhere. All the child kidnappers woke up Saturday and looked out the window and just assumed they had died.
ABC News and NBC News refused to air an ad that is critical of the president’s universal health care proposal. It’s the exact same White House-media complicity that got us stuck inside Iraq. All of our quagmires are about either oil or communism.
California Attorney General Jerry Brown launched an investigation into Michael Jackson’s doctors. It’s very serious. California has the toughest consumer laws in the country and Jerry Brown knows perfectly well what a drug overdose should cost.
Hurricane Danny weakened to a tropical storm and drenched the Eastern Seaboard with rain and pounded Atlantic beaches with high surf. It made landfall Saturday. The tropical storm became a depression overnight when lending froze up for no reason.
South Carolina and Oklahoma experienced several earthquakes Saturday. This was a phenomenon that geologists couldn’t explain. We know why the earth is moving in South Carolina but the governor of Oklahoma wouldn’t think of looking at another woman.
President Obama flew back to Martha’s Vineyard following Ted Kennedy’s funeral in Boston Saturday to play a few more rounds of golf. Presidents are all alike. He said he had a five on one hole but the Congressional Budget Office scored it a nine.
The Department of Health forecast Friday that the swine flu will hit Hispanics and blacks four times more than white people. The research is solid. They looked at the virus under a microscope and it was wearing a teeny white hood over a teeny white robe.
Dick Cheney denounced the White House for investigating the CIA’s interrogators of terror suspects. They helped to prevent a terrorist attack on Los Angeles. If al-Qaeda want to destroy California all they have to do is move here and run for office.
Homeland Security’s former chief Tom Ridge claimed the Bush administration tried to raise the terror alert the weekend before President Bush’s re-election without cause. It brings up bad memories. Every time Americans see that roll of duct tape in the kitchen drawer it’s a grim reminder to all of us that we will believe anything.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 9.1.09

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